when you havent seen someone in a long time(how to deal with reactions)

Hi cherrycolalola, I'm so sorry to hear how much you are suffering. I too have got to that painful extreme that you describe in the past. It sounds like that joining up under the skin could be folliculitis (infected hair follicles). I suffer from this and asked for anti-biotics from the doctor - they didn't work but I have found bathing my skin with salt-water really helps. I mix 1 tablespon of sea salt with half a pint of water in a bottle, then shake it up and apply it on cotton wool. It can be painful at first but it seems to isolate each wound and stops it swelling out of control. It also stops it itching and dries out weeping wounds, which enables me to conceal it better. I really hope this helps you too. I also have ex issues - I think it's natural to want to look good when you see them - even though you don't want him back you want to feel you have self-respect and aren't in a mess when you see him. I am also a perfectionist and began picking (like so many others) in an attempt to acheive flawless beauty. As I write it sounds so stupid but I know i'm in good and understanding company when I describe this contradictory thinking. I'm really struggling to love myself out of this too as the hating takes over too easily and I find myself wanting attention from my ex to make me feel better. Like me, you seem to know what to do but can't. I need to find the strength to like myself and get sorted for myself and get it out of my head that I need reassurance from my ex (in my case from a complete arsehole who's made my anxiety and self-esteem thus CSP worse anyway). I really empathise with you and that's maybe all I can offer you but I felt less crazy to read your post and just wanted you to know someone else is going through similar issues and hope you feel better. x

Something else to think about...I have some areas (not on my face) but on my shoulders, back, chest, breasts, stomach,... The areas all started out like little black dots. But these particular areas (the ones I'm going to talk about) suddenly started to behave differently. I had this one ingrown hair (often the cause of starting a new picking spot, adding to the acreage) on my chest near one breast. This little spot would go from being a single ingrown thick black hair, which at the time I thought was gross, (being a girl and all), turn into a pus-filled whitehead, get very itchy, I'd scratch the hell out of it until it turned into a red bump. It stayed this way always going back and forth for 15 years or so. Then as if a switch went off, everything changed. This same, familiar black-dot-turned-ingrown-hair-turned-pus-filled-whitehead-turned-red-blotch,....then the cycle changed, with no notice. As my "familiar" bump "healed" I noticed the addition of 2 or 3 satellite black dots around it, like someone just took a pen or Sharpie marker and made 2 or 3 little dots randomly around it. They were not blackheads, not zits, they weren't raised, not hairs, not ingrowns. Just dots. As time went on and my "cycle" repeated, eventually each "dot" turned into another bump. Point is, I now have collections of sometimes two, or three, up to five bumps, that are connected. They are NOT like 2 zits or cysts next to each other. They are truly grown together. My doctor said they are keloids. (I am white, by the way, and based on data I could pull up, keloids are more common among darker races,...on dark skin they appear raised and light pink. On my lighter complexion they are bright purple, feel like raised rubber, like I can feel a liquid beneath them but if poked, no liquid can be squeezed out). My doctor surgically removed one from a little group of two connected keloids on my shoulder, and one from a group of four connected keloids on my chest/breast. (Sent them to path to make sure they were not cancer). In both places, they GREW BACK! Even though they were surgically removed, they actually grew back on their own, and they grew back bigger and angrier than before. The skin around them is pink and inflamed. The tops look white, like from pressure building up underneath. And the scars themselves which used to be holes are now raised like 1/8th to 1/4 of an inch. They can't be flattened or removed. And they also do not respond to any bleaching treatments. Cortisone injected into them does not work. As the years go by (I am now 47) they just get worse and grow more. I started with one little dot on my chest (sternum) and one on my shoulder. I thought I was devasted then. Well now I've got clusters of these purple things on both my shoulders, my neck and upper back, forget showing cleavage because all the eyes will notice are these purple monsters on my boobs. They've grown to where I have clusters of 2-4 which have formed randomly on each breast, and I've started to get them now going down my stomach. Ingrown hairs from shaving (upper thigh and bikini area) all turn to bright red or purple spots,- they stay flat, they're not keloids, but for years, they have yet to "go away" or lighten back up. I have red bumps on my scalp (and I have extremely thin, thinning, fine, see-through hair), and my face, depending on where I am in my "picking cycle" will either be what "I call clear" but to others shows deep ice pick scars which started from a car accident I had in which the windshield came through my face and glass was stuck in, and dug out, removed, and scrubbed out of, my face and scalp, many years ago,...along with many other injuries,...but that's when my facial scarring started. On a good day, I still find I must wear makeup just to look sort of normal, or like a woman with moderate acne might look if she did NOT wear makeup!! I am no longer a "no makeup" faced woman. Not even on "good days." On "bad days" it's tough to say because I'll get a combo of the holes, (the small ones, and the bigger ones that are actually open sores and makeup won't stick to the skin, making it look that much redder), peeling skin, raised bumps, the legitimate acne (zits and cysts), and these past two years I started noticing that my skin is getting patchy,...like Michael Jackson's when he lost pigment. I'm developing these white patches that makeup won't even out. I'm a social recluse and have turned inwards because of this so much that I've hurt myself, my family, my parents,....my Husband is not even remotely supportive, he's just gotten so worn out by the years of me doing this to myself and he doesn't understand why, if I already know I'm hurting myself, why don't I "just stop doing it" then? He doesn't get it, and he's disgusted by it, and by my lack of self-control. It's played a huge part in eroding my marriage and contributed to me losing employment. (I've been out of work for 2 years now). If it were only so simple now as covering a few marks,....Read my story and maybe it'll help you put a different spin on your situation. We all suffer and it's relative to our own lives,...no one hurts more than you or less than you,....we're all here because we're confused, lonely, desperate. I'm downright scared. Your feelings of wanting his acceptance are very real, don't belittle them. I've been there myself. At the time I figured I didn't want to see my ex again until I had laser resurfacing done because I was so embarassed. Then a doctor showed me a photo of a person who had developed these "keloid scars" like I described from picking,...and the laser resurfacing ended up giving him one huge raised purple scar from his eyes to his chin, the whole area he was trying to "heal" and "smooth" over from the scarring turned into it's own scar. It made me wonder if we do this enough to ourselves, if eventually any trauma to our skin, even a kitten scratch, and it's laid the groundwork for potential dots, zits, pick marks, bumps, "rashes" that turn into clusters of cauliflower....I think over time, our skin will reach a threshold of tolerance where ANY disturbance, even a tiny nick, opens us up to all sorts of potential new picking grounds for scars.