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cherrycolalola , 04 Sep 2010

who picks the most at night?

I definitely do the worst damage to myself at night. It used to be before bed, but now I've been waking up in the middle of the night. Sometimes it has to do with drinking too much coffee throughout the day. I fall asleep, but then a few hours later I am wide awake, and then I start to pick. Is this happening to anyone else? How are you dealing with it? Often when I wake up I am consumed with anxiety. Sometimes it is because Im having a nightmare, other times the anxiety seems to just be there for no reason. Anyway, its hard to control this middle-of-the-night picking because when I start to pick Im often half-asleep. Im conscious that I am making the decision to pick (which wasn't always the case), but I don't have as much willpower when Im in that state to stop myself. Ive heard some people say to wear gloves. I find it pretty uncomfortable to wear them every night, especially when its hot out, but maybe I'll try it again. Do people have other ideas? Anyway today has been rough. Im starting to get heavy anxiety over having to meet up with someone I haven't seen in a long time. My skin is much worse since I last saw this person and because I desperately care about their opinion Ive been obsessing over the reunion. Ive also gained weight so Im worried about that too. I should mention that I, like a lot of people who pick, have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 12 (Im 20 now), and its part of the picking, or linked to it. Today Im struggling with this sadness over what Ive done to myself. Often Im in denial about the damage I've caused, but right now I cant avoid it. My mind keeps telling myself "but you were so beautiful", "you've ruined your youth", "you will never be as pretty as you could have been had you never started picking". I found photos from a few years ago last night from when I had really good skin;they are now burned into my brain now and are not helping my emotional state. These are the kind of thoughts that I feel I cannot escape from, and sometimes they make living feel unbearable. I know things will change and that I have the power to choose to have a happy life and not let this thing bring me down/give me an excuse to fail, but today Im just low. I know you all can relate. I need to write these thoughts and feelings because if I keep them inside I know I will pick more. Im really worried I am going to go after myself tonight. Every night I wonder if I will wind up in the bathroom for hours or if I'll make it through. It sounds strange, but I usually can sense when Im gonna spend the night picking. Tonight feels like one of those nights and Im scared. I need some help to not pick. Hope everyone else is doing okay, and if not know you aren't alone.
21 Answers
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Cynic
September 04, 2010
As do I. At night I have more time on my hands, time that usually goes towards picking. I try to fill it up with other activities, but usually my guard breaks down and I find myself indulging a little too much in my picking. :(
Holly9458
September 05, 2010
My picking is definitely at night too! If I start it is almost impossible not to stop. Stay away from your mirrors. Maybe get something for you do it in the middle of the night when you wake up and cant sleep. Clear a table or desk..get a large jig-saw puzzle..spread the pieces out on the table and go do that instead (i should do this). Or get a Wii and play video games... (i should do this.. i love tetris) Try to only eat protein and veggies and drink water at night. Only eat sugar or drink coffee in morning when you have a list of things or work to do. Quit beating yourself up over what u did..just 4give urself and try to change. U made a mistake, you were stressed, feeling cracky. It's ok. It happens to me too.
cherrycolalola
September 07, 2010
Cynic- Yeah i just read an article today about how self control is the weakest at night, especially if you are stressed all day(as I often am). It was really an interesting article. It mentioned a study done where people were told all day to try and keep certain thoughts from their minds and not react to funny things, and then they were shown a comedy. They laughed a lot, in fact more than another test group who wasn't told to control their impulses. I guess if you avoid something for long enough it becomes more irresistible. Or maybe the point is that impulse control can only last for so long. Anyway, in any case its hard. Holly- Thanks for the advice. Both of those ideas are good. I used to have this app on my cell that required two hands in order to play this game, Im gonna use that again. The caffeine habit is really hard for me. But hey if I have to choose between coffee and picking or no coffee and no picking I'll chose the latter. Thank you also for the kind words. I have to be reminded to forgive myself. Im so extremely hard on myself (like so many of us) its ridiculous. I'll try and drink more water too.
bottervliegie
September 16, 2010
Oh, yeah, nights are the best. I used to pick anytime of day or night, but since I left school and started sharing a room at university, I had to get more creative. Picking at night in dorms were better and I've timed myself, noticing that the swelling goes away after an hour, so before bed seemed to be a good time as opposed to before class! I still pick mostly before bedtime when the lights are low and my husband can't see that much. He tries to help me, but mostly it just feels like I'm a child who did something wrong.
shimmeree
September 18, 2010
Night is very bad for me and I tend to zone out at the end of the day by picking for hours at a time. My job is extremely stressful and my CSP has gotten dramatically worse in the past 2 years. I've been a picker since about 10 years old, but I had gotten myself under control, after 20 years of picking my face and arms, and then one thing after another fell apart in my life recently, and now it's worse than ever. I'm extremely overweight and my face is distorted from how it should look, as well as my body, so I barely recognize myself. The face picking is mostly centered around my chin, skin around my nose, between my eyebrows, and my sideburn areas. I'm a 30 year old woman and have started growing those evil chin hairs, which form bumps when they come back in. I am also getting deep, fluid-filled pimples that are so sore that I can't keep my hands off, even though no amount of squeezing is going to relieve the pressure. What I'm most embarrassed about are my forearms. I never used to pick them, and then this year it's gotten really bad and they don't seem to heal. I live in Florida, and I wear long sleeves, jackets, and hoodies whenever I'm at work or around non-family members. It's so humiliating to be asked "aren't you hot?" and to see all the other women with short sleeves or sleeveless outfits and wonder how they have such flawless skin. I've been so depressed about it this week, and I'm glad I found this website. When I pick, I feel a disconnect between my actions and my brain. I can be yelling at myself and still can't stop.
cherrycolalola
September 20, 2010
I get asked that too! amongst so many other things(none of which I have legitimate answers for). This little boy asked me once "why does your face look like that? whats on your face?" I was so embarrassed!! I had a huge flare up of those "fluid filled" pimples that wouldn't go away. I tried to pop them for a long time and needless to say it was a mistake. The body definitely heals at its own speed. They eventually did go away(for the most part), but left huge scars. Theres one I have on my cheek that runs from under my eye all the way down to my chin. Its raised and cant be covered by makeup. The other side of my face isn't much better. There are still a few noticeably raised areas/depressions that take up most of my face. Its hard when most of your face is messed up. Its iron, too, because it used to be the opposite, just a few spots. Im glad you found the site too!
mcmandy65
September 20, 2010
I definitely think caffeine has some relationship with CSP. When I drink a lot of caffeine, by habit gets much worse. Also, when I was pregnant with my son, I went off of caffeine completely, and my CSP pretty much went away. It was the first time in years I could wear anything I wanted, and I was pregnant! LOL. Anyway, I have done some research online and one of the things caffeine does to our brains is cause them to experience "stress." Probably why it makes CSP worse... Mandy of www.livingwithcsp.com
Maximus Apollo
September 20, 2010
Night is always the worst for me, too. I go to wash my face, and every night I tell myself I won't pick, but as soon as I get in front of that mirror, it starts and it can last for like an hour and a half. I don't even notice how much time has passed until I check the clock and it always shocks me how long I've been doing it. It sucks to lose sleep just in the name of destroying your body, huh? And then you have to wake up earlier to try to cover up all the damage you did the night before, so make-up takes forever and it still doesn't work entirely. Why do we do this to ourselves? It's a waste of time, it prevents us from getting other things done, and it causes shame, pain, and is physically damaging to our bodies. I seriously had never heard of this disorder and thought I was a lone freak. What a strange relief to find that there are others out there--yet also it pains me, because my heart breaks for everyone else going through this because I know how much it destroys me, and I imagine you all feel the same way. Cherrycolalola, I am 24 and have also been doing this since age 12. I always thought I would get over it once I was an adult, but it clearly hasn't gotten any better--if anything it has gotten worse as I have acquired more responsibilities. In fact, I just finished destroying my skin and it stings, it looks horrible, and I am dreading work tomorrow (as always) since I interact with so many people at my job and they will all see it. I wish I could tell you what to do, but for years I have needed help and been afraid to seek it because I thought I was just a lone freak. Maybe every time you get the urge to pick, come onto this forum and tell people about it, and that might stop you. At least we can actually talk to people who understand here. Thank you for sharing your story--it is comforting to know I'm not alone, and maybe we all need to try to help each other.
cherrycolalola
September 20, 2010
Yeah Maximus Apollo(cool name btw), it does suck!! I woke up last night (at like 5 am) and picked till 7. I woke up anxious and just went straaaight for my face, didn't even stop to think or acknowledge I was starting to pick(or maybe I didn't want to acknowledge it). When the urge is bad enough no thought of the future damage or insanity of my behavior will stop me. Then its hours of pain and those thoughts that creep up in the back of your head while youre in the haze like "you have to stop right now!" "this is ruining your life" "fight the addiction" "you are only making it worse" "You'll stop after this one" etc etc. But what my mind tells me doesn't seem to stop my hands. Its like they aren't mine. They take over and I can't stop them. Im thinking about going back to wearing gloves at night, but Im worried I'll use them to "exfoliate" and wind up riping off the thin layer of skin I do have(this happened recently in a few patches and it sucks)! Anyway so now its past noon and I feel like I've fucked up my whole day. I wanted to get up early and go for a run. Now Im sitting in my room covered in neosporin and wondering if I want to risk going into the kitchen to get some food (odds are I'll run into my roommates). Or i could spend an hour putting on makeup just to make a 2 second walk and then wash it off and put on the neosporin again (which is probably too much wear and tear for my face right now). I feel for you having to go to work everyday. Right now I am jobless and it feels like a blessing/curse. Sometimes being forced to go out is the only thing that keeps me from prolonged isolation. I am going to try and use the forum more, yeah. We do need to help eachother! Thanks for writing back, it really helped me this morning to wake up from picking with that feeling, but then see a response. It makes me feel less alone and its easier to forgive myself when others on here(people who dont even know me) can. I identify with everything you said!
Maximus Apollo
September 21, 2010
I'm totally rocking the Neosporin right now too. Ugh. I go through a few tubes a month. I don't work out as much as I would like either, because of this...I always put on make-up to cover it all up, but then it just melts right off when I work up a sweat and it looks so dumb. Plus, you can see all the spots. Like you, I often just sit around feeling miserable instead of getting my work out in. So it really prevents me from being healthy in all aspects of my life. Sometimes, if I run out of food, I order pizza after work to prevent going to the grocery store and seeing people, since I usually attack my face for about 20 minutes first thing when I get home (and then again at bedtime for much longer, of course). And I have totally blown off social engagements out of embarrassment, so some of my friendships have even suffered. Wow--we really do all exhibit the same behavior and have the same feelings and impulses. I still can't get over how amazing this is since I always thought I was alone and no one could possibly understand. I wish I could just feel pretty, and normal, even for one day, and not think about my skin at all. We deserve to feel that way!!! If we are inflicting our own pain, and we know that, why can't we stop? It makes no sense and it just pisses me off, because I want so badly to stop and yet I just can't and that just seems to make me do it more. I'm getting married next August (yes, amazingly, I have a man who loves me despite all of this, and yet even having him makes this no easier, and I never feel worthy). Trying on wedding gowns should be one of the most exhilirating processes in my life, and yet every time I do I am miserable because I feel so ugly and I am always pulling my hair over my shoulders to hide my skin from consultants and from my mom. I even put foundation on my chest--yes, I did this while trying on WHITE GOWNS and I'm pretty sure I ended up staining one that was off the rack. And I am panicking about my wedding photos. How vain, I know, but this is seriously sucking the joy right out of my wedding planning. Sorry, now I am just wallowing in self-pity, but seriously, what girl dreads her wedding day when she is head over heels for her man, the way I am? The girl that destroys her skin, that's who.
cherrycolalola
September 21, 2010
Ahhh I feel for you so much! Im not getting married any time soon (dont even have a bf atm), but I can see how that would feel. I want to feel normal too! I get so angry and jealous of girls who look flawless and don't have to be self conscious. Im sure they do have things they worry about, but when I compare my skin problems to the things some of my friends worry about its like there is no comparison. I do it more because I can't stop too. Its either this "fuck it" attitude where I just don't care or its the insane thinking of "ill make it better for just this occasion" If I have a social engagement that I've built up in my mind as really important I will go after myself(usually making it worse at the last minute). What I try to remind myself is that no matter what is going on with my skin I do have the power to choose how I am reacting to it. I can make my bad skin the end of the world, or I can choose to focus on the good parts of myself(Im not saying this is easy bc I struggle really hard to be positive). I don't think denial is healthy, so I don't try and pretend my skin doesnt look as f*&cked up as it does, but still I get to choose how much of my self worth is wrapped up in it. Sometimes I imagine a world where people weren't so obsessed with external beauty. Where people loved each other in a deep way(even strangers) and things like skin and physical imperfections just didn't matter. I know that sounds like some hippy dippy daydream type stuff, and it is, but theres also something to it. I try and find the people in the world who actually ARE that way and stop concerning myself with the rest. Instead of trying so hard to change so that I fit in with the shallow people Im trying to surround myself with grounded people who I can connect with no matter what I look like. Sounds like you have found someone like this in your fiance. Thats great! Im sorry the whole process is so miserable! I was watching that movie "what about bob" a while ago and theres this stupid but funny part where the doctor is trying to get rid of bob(a crazy but lovable mental patient) and he gives him this little slip of paper that says "Permission to take a vacation from your problems". I think sometimes we have to allow ourselves to do this. Im not saying we should give up on trying to heal, but maybe for your wedding day you could do this for yourself. Choose to make it a day of unconditional love, not just for your husband for yourself. Anyway even if it doesn't go so well you have all of us on here to talk about it with. And neosporin rocks! hahah
betterlife7
October 06, 2010
The night is the worst, especially when you know in the back of your head that it will always look better in the morning (even though it's terrible anyway.) I go in the bathroom to use my Proactiv and I tell myself I won't. I've covered the mirrors, posted sticky notes... everything. But when I get 'just one out' I need to finish and get all the rest, EVERYWHERE. I'll never forget in high school, I went to school and had a huge, messy, partially green bump that was raised on the side of my nose. Some one in school, with only good intentions, blurted out, 'Hey! You got your nose pierced?' I was mortified. I pretended not to hear him and one of his friends figured it out and quietly told him to be quiet, but it was too late. I felt hopeless and ugly. I knew my skin would be better if I stopped picking, that I was creating my own destruction, but I couldn't stop... It's been about four years and I'm much, much better, but I have very, very low points where I wear hats and layers of makeup for weeks while my skin heals from my rage. The worst part is, I really, finally love who I am, completely and fully, but sometimes the only thing holding me back is my skin. It makes me hide and become introverted. I don't talk to people, I put my hood up, and I feel constantly ashamed and as though everyone is staring at my face. I'm fed up. I've had enough. I've been trying for years to stop and I won't stop trying now. I will crush this disease with my dying, bloody hand because my life flourishes without it. The puffy, shiny white and red covered nights come to an end. The addiction, the pleasure that causes pain and the desire for perfection dies tonight. The introverted me dies tonight.
cherrycolalola
October 08, 2010
God this is so sad sometimes. I have been in the exact same spot as you over and over again. I just had this mental image while reading your post of all of us on the forum, in our separate corners of the world, going around hooded and hiding, and how underneath the makeup and the hoodies and hats are beautiful people who are worthy of love and shouldn't have to go through this stuff. Its bad enough to be a picker, but then the social ramifications make it worse. Sometimes I get angry and jealous bc other addictions are more easily hidden. Like with alcoholics they dont have to walk around with their livers showing all day. Really, I shouldn't compare, because every disease has its horrors and I know I don't have the authority to say whats worse, but I have those thoughts sometimes. I had a really baddd moment in class recently. My teacher took a class photo and then when we were in the computer lab put it up on the big projector screen. I wanted to die! Hes scrolling from one end to the other and everyone looks normal, then it passed over me...ugh! I really wanted to cry/run out of the room. Anyway good for you making the resolution to stop! I want that part of me to die too.
ineedsupport40
October 11, 2010
WOW, I decided to google "why cant i stop picking at my skin even though it bleeds and is permanantly scarred?" and I cant believe I found this site. I must say that I do feel a little better knowing that I am not the only person who does this to themselves. In reference to cherrycolalola's reply it doesnt matter what the addiction is because they all are painfull both physically and especially emotionally. I am a recovered addict and have been completely free from drugs and alcohol for 35 months. I have to celebrate my 3rd year anniversary at my Narcotics Anonymous meeting next month but almost feel as if I have done something wrong like used. I have been a picker since i was a child. I can remember picking at scabs and sores up to the age of 15 or so. But due to peer pressure and kids at school I put an end to it. It was not that hard back then because I only picked when I hurt myself and a scab formed. But, I would pick at the scab for weeks until finally something in my mind would preoccupy my from doing it anymore. Plus, i soon started dating and to be honest, it didnt cross my mind for almost the next 20 years. Even though drug addiction is a horrible disease that can kill you, this is an obssession for me that is out of control. Being clean from drugs is just not enough for me to be happpy in my life right now. I have a horrible job making the same as my 17 year old neice and i am 40. I have gained 100 plus pounds in 3 years since I have stopped using. I dont know whats going on with me. I have never done anything to this degree in my life. It started with just picking at the smallest inperfection on the skin of my arms and legs. I also had a staph infection on my thighs which could have healed within a month but I will not let that happen. I can hide my legs but I am miserable in pants when its 90 degrees out in the summer. I woke up one morning about 6 months ago and noticed that my right arm had about 7 or 8 infected hair follicles. Not an infection, but more like folliculitus. I had cleaning gloves on the night before while cleaning my bathroom and something, maybe the bleach or cleaner caused that. The folllicles were raised, red, with a white pus filled head. Still not much larger than normal. But, being a picker, I had to squeeze them, pick and pick and pick till they bled. Then, I had for some reason an obsession to get my tweezers and pull out the hair follicles. That is now my newest obsession. Needless to say, Its been over 6 months and the area Im referring to starts at my right wrist and goes up half way to my elbow and all on the top so everyone can see them. I feel like some kind of freak!!!!!!! My coworkers have to think why has this guy been wearing bandaids for half a year. I must spend 40 dollars a month on band aids. The obsession is out of control. The scars are horrible. Each one started at the size of a small pimple and is now up to a quarter or more. Plus the picking has just made a trail from one sore to the other. The raised skin or scars are hard, dark, and basically there are no hairs on my left arm up to half way due to constant use of bandaids, picking, using tweezers. Like a post I read just a few before mine about how the person pulls ingrown hairs out. I do that every night. Nightime is the worst for me. I will spend hours some nights until it just hurts so bad I have to stop or only stop if I dont have enough band aids to cover it up. It seems that since the scar tissue is raised and become hard, the hair cant grow through correctly. Maybe it could but just seeing that black spec under the skin and I MUST get it out. The damage I am doing is unrepairable. WHO spends a half hour trying to pull one baby centimer hair out of there arm that hasnt even broke the skin yet. Lastly, I dont know how this started but I actually get satisfaction now from the pain of slowly pulling a hair or ingrown hair from my arm. I have been on prozac for a year. I started that 6 months before this became an obsession. If anyone has any suggestions, please offer them.
cherrycolalola
October 11, 2010
Hey Im sorry to hear you are suffering so much. Im also in NA, I have almost a year. It really helps with the picking, but I feel like I am at a crossroads with it. The main reason I started was because of my picking. I was at a complete and utter bottom with it. I had some issues with drugs, but I wasn't a junkie(I dont mean that as a put down for people who have been there, I just wasn't that bad). Anyway I find myself playing up the drug use in my mind because I want help with the picking.Or at least thats what I think Im doing. Its confusing though because you know how they say the "addict" will try to talk you out of sobriety/down play your drug use.My gut feeling though, is that I really belong in Pickers Anonymous(if there was one). I understand, like you said, addiction is addiction, but I dont think NA is right for me. I don't know I am just confused and needed to put that out that there.Good for you coming up on 3 years! No matter what other successes or failures you're having that is a great accomplishment! cheers! I get satisfaction out of the pain too, thats why it feels like a drug, the endorphins you get are like popping a pill to me. I dont know if I have the right suggestions for you. The main thing I would suggest is to use the forum like nobodys business. I find it can be a support like the fellowship is. The biggest weapon I feel I have in my arsenal against CSP is having a community behind me. The more I alienate myself the more damage I do to my skin. Not to mention, the way I feel about the damage is more extreme if Im not connected to others going through the same thing.Sometimes I am so hard on myself afterwards, but others on the forum have continually supported me and given me love and encouragement when I can't "see the light".Im thinking about cognitive behavioral therapy, if i can get the money together somehow haha, maybe you could try that. I hear it can be very effective. I think the more we track the behavior the better it gets. When I write down every time I pick, what happened before that may have triggered it, and how I felt afterward, I become more conscious of my episodes. I take a moment before I enter the bathroom and just slow down and breathe. I re-commit myself to not picking and try to map out my emotions. Am I feeling anxious? Am I sad? Its like risk assessment. "picking alert orange" lol. I try to stay away from tv and internet, bc if Im on for hours it drains me and I space out and wanna pick more. I think staying pretty active is good. Diets big too. When Im eating badly Im deciding to not treat my body well, and picking is easier. Also, I just feel worse. I struggle with over/under eating and the overeating has definitely increased since stopping the drugs. Its like switching seats and its so frustrating. Im trying to drink more water. I often eat when Im really thirsty. Im also trying to cut out all stimulants. Nicotine and caffeine are two big addictions for me, but they make picking worse so they gotta go. I don't know what else to add, just thought Id share the stuff that has worked for me in the past. Still, said stuff don't always do the trick. I think picking moves and shifts with us. We think its some hard thing because the behavior is the same, but I think thats only what it appears to be like. Its our go-to escape, but why we keep going back to it changes. I think each person has to look inward to figure out what they need in order to stop. I think it often takes a big overhaul of a lot of things. The root of CSP for me is a big, so I don't expect to be able to just stop the behavior. Anyway hope some of that helps. Thanks for sharing and again congrats on your time!
Aargh
October 14, 2010
Yep. I love the fact that I am reading this after nearly two hours of digging at my neck. God, there are so many other things I could have been doing around the house. So much work I need to catch up on, yet another evening is wasted. So I sit here with bandages and Polysporin strategically placed on my face/neck where the sores are and silicone bandages on my scars. I look like a freaking science experiment. Why do we do this to ourselves?? And why do we continue to do it even when we understand our behavior. I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol but this must be how addicts feel. Like the most recent poster, I have spent a FORTUNE on bandages. It sucks wearing turtlenecks and scarves in the heat of summer, but I'm so tired of dealing with stares and questions. Even people at work keep asking me about it. Granted, I've been wearing band-aids so long, they must think I have leprosy or something but still, quit asking! Aargh! I'm curious--what do some of you tell people when they ask about your bandages/scars??
newyearsjinx
October 23, 2010
yep, night time for me as well. I know there are a lot of productive things i could be doing instead, such as cleaning the house, paper work, exercising. But in the night i am more lonley, and picking is something i have that is there when i need it. I even think about a bump etc at work and cant wait to get home in the evening to tackle it. I find that sad, that as a young, successful woman, i want to get home and pick at my skin versus anything else i could be doing. I tend to pick at night, after i cleanse my face as well.
Clu
October 24, 2010
Hello, I lose self control at night also, sometime after work and I'm home I'll make my way to my bathroom mirror at some point even if I tell myself I'm not going to. Most of the time I'm just going to pluck my eyebrows and then I move on the scabs I still have and pick at them. I'm actually not too bad with little bumps anymore, its just the scabs from earlier pickings that get me and while picking at them I go for the little bumps or whatever and create new scabs. Besides when I go to pluck my eyebrows I normally wont go to the mirror which is good. The only thing that triggers it is when I'm just feeling my skin randomly and feel that pimple that may not even be noticeable but feels firm enough to pop that as soon as I know its there I have to rush to a mirror and try to pop it and then most of the time when its not popable I cant leave it alone and figure I'd rather have the scab than the red bump so I pick at it. Hopefully I'll be better and not be touching my skin constantly, also try to pluck my eyebrows in the morning before I wash up. I guess plucking them doesnt help a picking problem since its somewhat similiar but I honestly like how they look than trying to shave down the unwanted hairs? Does anyone have a better way they remove unwanted eyebrow hair?
daigo29
October 25, 2010
Thank GOD I just found this site !!!! Unfortunately, my left hand was picking my back the entire time Ive been reading posts......beacuse it is Night time !!! I am 30 yrs old, soon to graduate college and be an RN . I have always had high stress/anxiety since childhood ........then at age 9 , I started my period & with it came acne.......and Back-ne . Thats how this all got started.....even once the acne was well under control...age 24.......still pick anything I can find when stressed. I pick my back more than anything ....but about 2 yrs ago i started in on my nipples.....well the area around them...where tiny hairs live and tiny blackheads sometimes...... from sweaty boobs in a bra ! Ive been with same guy for 10 yrs .....and IN SUMMER ....I DO GREAT! Because I purposely sun tan as much as I can which helps heal me up and cover past scars....AND Its the thinking involved ..........".I KNOW I WANNA WEAR A BIKINI."....so I can control myself somehow !!! THIS IS THE WORST TIME OF YEAR FOR ME !!!!!!!!! wearing more clothes automatically means Ill pick more, ufortunately. Why cant summer memories keep me from doing this !!!! remembering HOW AWESOME it feels to lie on my stomach naked without a care as he strokes his fingers up and down my SMOOTH soft back ........a feeling I only get 3 months out of 12 . Instead.....i have to now push him away again ....like before.......say things like : " Im much too cold to be naked with you now .......I have a headache AGAIN ........turn the lights off honey ..........can't I just go down on ya tonite ?" BUT THANKS LADIES AND GENTS FOR HELPING SEE I AM NOT ALONE AFTERALL. I LOVE YOU ALL FOR THAT . LASTLY.......have any of you found success with anti depressant or anxiety meds???? IF SO.......PLEASE RESPOND with what you take and your story !

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