CAN ANYONE ELSE RELATE? THE NEED TO CLENSE THE SKIN!- blackheads/clogged pores. similar?

I am completely and utterly fed up with this! I used to remove the blackheads my nose. I got into a ritual of getting rid of everything like this all over my face. I then used to just go to the mirror, mostly when I was tense or stressed - for relief. I felt better after. Then, it esculated into a very obsessive cycle. Into the skin picking "disorder". Ive always been painfully shy and self concious and I know I could face the world so much more easier if I was happy with my skin. If it was clearer/smoother/non problem skin (even though I am aware I create most of it). It is usually triggered by an itch, sensation that there is something underneath the skin. A few times when i had a very stressful job.(I lost it mostly due to SAD and SPD) I felt like my skin was changing due to the grease in the work area.I saw these slightly raised red bumbs with a yellowish middle. It erupted when forcefully squeezed and more and more came out. I destroyed that area- I had to dig right down to get the root. If I left it what would of it turned into? Or would it of got even more deeper and worse? I began to have a fear of developing such a thing again, knowing that Id have to destroy my face again to remove it. I have a fear of developing deep/ blackheads/cysts that will very difficult to remove and will just look ugly! I can cope with just red spots, solid ones, small ones, the ones I know will dry up and disappear. I feel terrible knowing that ive got clogged pores on my face I simply HAVE to remove them or what will they turn into? Thats another thing. I was able to leave my face for 2 weeks, knowing that I simply have to stop because its a never ending cycle. I thought "Right I have removed everything" All i need to do now is clean my skin so bacteria wont spread and cause more and the empty pore will be clean and patch up" The thing is, once I find or feel something in my skin, I simply have to remove it straight away.It is a messy business. You go from one to another, carrying what you removed to the next. I try and wash my hands after the first dozen. But you go out of control, your completely focused, there aint time for a careful, clean procedure! I try to just remove that "one" that is bothering me but then I asume theres more and I see more. I get to the point where I have already wrecked my face so I dont see any point in finishing. I also seem to remove what hasnt even come to a proper head yet-to prevent it from becoming worse or deeper. I cant stand it filling up and being pushed deeper into my skin. Need to withdraw it. If i can let my face heal for 1 week/2 weeks I start noticing that the scabs start falling off and that beneath them is more to come out. It has a bump to it that really annoys me why cant it heal smooth! I also find other miniscule blocked pores and others blocked pores. I say to myself "see this has happened now becasue you spread bacteria". Or "see your face is starting to block again because you put too much healing lotion on it etc. So now your gonna have to fix it" But surely this isnt the case? Then I think well whatever the reason I just have let it heal, I believe I just make my skin worse and more prone to these things. I think if I just leave it now, its going to fill up worse than ever before and I'll develop awful acne/almost permanent acne. I promise myself that I'll remove what really ought to be removed, can easily be removed, that is on it way out. But thats basically everything in my book. Can anyone else relate to this bizarre way of thinking. Got any tips, advice? Thanks a lot