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whatcouldhavebeen , 16 Mar 2011

sorrow over this

i'm always wondering about how different my life would have been if i had never been so self-destructive with face picking. as a young girl, i didn't even think about such things. then one day, my sister pulled me in front of a mirror and started to squeeze spots, saying how i couldn't just let these things take over my face. i'll never know if that's what started it all. but, since then, any perceived bump i'd feel compelled me to the bathroom for a probing. i couldn't stand the thought of stuff inside my pores that would be able to fester. i damaged my face and my self esteem has pretty much been non-existent for all these years. i spent school years afraid to look anyone in the eye for fear of what they were thinking about my skin. if only i had learned years and years ago not to touch my face at all (!) my life would be so much happier today. i just know that. the depression has been with me my whole life, but never before had i even suspected that other people suffered from the same obsession. i would look around me, and i seemed that everyone had perfect skin except for me...i felt like such an outcast, so unworthy. i still do, actually. if anyone here can relate to this, i would love to hear back from you. i'm crying now as i type this, because my life could have been so very different if i had only not been so obsessive and self-destructive. i would be able to look at people and not agonize over what they could be thinking about my face! what a huge relief that would have been. if only...
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sho1234
March 16, 2011
I know how you feel-i typed just yesterday about it on the febr post thing. I have been wishing that i didnt even start too. I totally get you when you say that you cant stand stuff festering in ur pores. I hate the thought of a clogged pore, raised bump that could be squeezed out. Your def not alone. From last May it got worse and worse for me. It got to the point where i was completely trapped in the cycle-doing it everyday for ages. Face looked terrible-awful at times. Affected my life bIg time. Now my skin is healing well-and im doing pretty good at the mo. You wil b able to do it too. I know I just cant go round and round in this cycle forever. I changed some thought processes,am trying to look at skin in a more reasonable way and using natural methods for my skin-the gentler but effective approach instead of using my fingers. Dont be too hard on yourself-u can stil chase ur dreams etc. You've had a problem, ok,which has been very difficult,i know sweet and I am here, the forum is here to support you. X
whatcouldhavebeen
March 16, 2011
sho 1234-thanks so much for responding. i have felt soooo alone with this problem, that it feels wonderful to actually write about it after all these years and get some (much needed) empathy. most people just would not understand. they would just say "don't do it!" but i'm going to try really hard to stop. i've been using vinegars (applied with kleenex, not my fingers) and i'm praying that they'll take away the scars...maybe some day??? at least i can pray that it helps. thanks again for your support....
sho1234
March 16, 2011
No worries and i totali understand. I use Aubrey Pure Aloe Vera lotion-I massage this onto the scars/marks everyday. Green tea with a piece of cotton wool-and i dab over scars. (when cool lol!) Mashed banana and the skin of the banana (which i use as wipe pad) helps healing, regeneration of skin. You will defo start seeing improvements. I make sure i drink plenty of water, fruit n veg. Sometimes i use plain yogurt as face mask,lactic acid works as a natural exfoiliant. One teaspoon of honey mixed with either egg white or mashed banana helps the healing. Wash of after 15 mins. I put drop of lavender oil in basin and rinse. Another day-1 drop of francencense oil-and rose geranium is good also. Ive been depending on al this-i make sure i dont over do it but I am surprised on how my skin has healed now. Its bin al worth it. Time is another thing our skin needs. Gd luck x x
lexyw
March 18, 2011
I almost don't even know what to say except ditto ditto ditto. it was my mom who taught me how to do it. actually she would chase me and my sister around the house till we let her pick something. and if it was good she'd pay us a quarter or something. its not as creepy as it sounds and looking back I've always laughed at those memories. till I relized a few months ago that ths really isn't funny and its had a DRAMATIC effect on my life. I cried the first time I read this site too. I actually sobbed for a long time bc everything i read was exactly like me!! I'm still overwhelmed sometmes knowing that finally I'm not alone and my "weird thoughts" about my pores etc are shared by others!! and vie been told to just stop before too. my inner impulse has usually been to flip that person off in my head and wish one day of this he'll in them and see how easy it would be for them to just stop. I'm glad you found this site!! I'm not "cured" per se but I certainly have been changing my thinking and the support here makes all the difference!
whatcouldhavebeen
March 18, 2011
lexyw, thanks so much for writing back. wow, your mom chased you around to pick at you? i must say that's pretty extreme....did she have problems with her own skin? i wish i could just have loads of plastic surgery to remove all my troubles! i'd start with the face and work on down....i had been doing really well until tonight when i started in on the same darn spot that i can never seem to leave alone. even tho i had promised myself that i would never pick again (!) i did....i don't understand why bumps drive me crazy, whereas there must be some folks out there who just can leave them alone. i'd love to have this one area "fixed" so that i would stop obsessing about the darn bump that has now become such a wound. god, sometimes i really do hate myself...
lexyw
March 19, 2011
haha yeah. it was more a fun game whe my sister and I were little. but now i realize I may not have known about picking if she never did that. though I had some acne in h.s. so I'm sure I'd have figured it out. I picked tonight and I feel terrible. ive made the never going to pick again promise more times than i can count. i remember a new years resolution in middle school was to stop picking my nails (I'm 28 now). and then theres always the self loathing after you break that promise to yourself. like last week when i was going to stop for lent and picked on the third day. I would just love to be free from this. i feel so trapped sometimes. it's like I'm in this glass bubble looking out at all the people who dont have this compulsion. I know its totally sick but i wish i had an eating disorder instead. I feel like its more socially acceptable or something. and this is really weird to ppl who don't have it. like why would you ever want to hurt yourself?? anyways im back to day one tomorrow! good luck :) hope your day was pick free!
whatcouldhavebeen
March 19, 2011
"I know its totally sick but i wish i had an eating disorder instead." lexyw, i was laughing so hard at this. well, to tell you the truth, i'm pretty darn strange about eating also! so, i think that there is very little that is "normal" about my day to day compulsions. but, i know what you mean. people almost expect women to have problems with food, but problems with picking is still such an unknown disorder (i think) with a lot of people. and in a way, it's a lot more shameful and secretive than an eating disorder. you think?
lexyw
March 21, 2011
heck yes its shameful!! there is just nothing out in the media about this or any other body type compulsions (hair and nail picking). but I feel like the 90s really shed light on eating disorders and now everyone is at least familiar with how they work. but skin picking just seems so foreign and weird...the shame factor is really high. also I think for me you know I'm in my late 20s and it seems like this would have been more acceptable in my teens when were supposed to have bad skin. but now its like you're an adult, why are you tearing at your skin?? oh and I showed my mom a passage in a book today about it. the same woman who toooootally gets what it's like to not be able to leave a blackhead unpicked. and she was uncomfortable!! she was like my gosh, is this really what its like for you? thats so strange and intense. I mean she's supportive and understands of course but even she was like wow I had no idea people even thought like this. so yes, long answer but I think there's a lot of shame cuz nobody really knows about it. hope you have a good day tomorrow!
whatcouldhavebeen
March 21, 2011
lexyw, i think that we probably really understand each others pain. i've been trying so hard to be "good". if only i could undo all the bad i've done so far, life would be perfect...or at least a lot better! being so self conscious is totally devastating. i have to pretend that i look o.k. or i could never even be able to leave the house...
lexyw
March 22, 2011
you do look ok!! we are always our worst critics. I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment right now cuz there are scars on my legs that I'm fairly positive are going to be there forever. I've been using kelocote gel for the scars (another forum person recommended it) and it's aweeeeeesome!! you should get some, I got it off amazon.com. little pricey but way better than mederma. anyways my point is that I have some scars I'm tying to accept are gonna stick around. what do I tell ppl? I had adult onset chicken pox? what do I tell my future kids? oh those marks all over? mommy has a problem and can't stop hurting herself. anywyas, I completely empathize with thinking how life would be perfect if I just didn't have this damage. my boyfriend told me to get over it and they're gong to be battle wounds to be proud of. this is the hardest fight of my life so far so maybe I want something to show for it? I'm not totally convinced but I'm trying not to worry cuz when I stress about it I pick more! totally logical right? it's great talking to you! hope you have a good day tomorrow. it'll be day 4 for me. the higher i go the riskier it gets...never been past 8!

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