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hope42 , 06 Jul 2011

I keep telling myself it will get better..

I've been telling myself it will get better for the last eight years, ill have a bad session then crawl into bed thinking tomorrow will be different.. Sometimes ill last a week, and the wounds will begin to fade to scars but for the last 2 years i havent had a time where I could take off my shirt , i .e go swimming, go to the ocean; what bothers me the most is when I let down my friends who I love.. i was on exchange in mexico and i passed up so many nice opportunities that i had alienated myself from people... i try to keep that in the back of my mind because im going back there in a month, its round 2 and i kno i cant let them down again I want to show them all the outgoing , confident person I truly am. Im looking for any advice someone may have, I have tried many ways to cope with avoiding and honestly the best way was to simply be to busy to care, to just be with friends to not be alone to at least be sorrounded with nature. Ive tried other things associated to the one area i pick - the bathroom mirror - like turning off the light entirely (i pick only on my chest), putting on a shirt right out of the shower, or clasping my hands... but whenever i do these things I (ironically) inadvertinley aware myself of the issue, and while being aware of the issue my subconcious mind often wins out over my concious and i end up in a trance picking, and the sooner I dont back out it becomes increasingly more difficult to stop- as if by stopping i will have to realize the pain and therefore feel the shame for the new sores I just created... kinda a viscous cycle since buying more time means harming myself more.. I probably seem a lil crazy anaylzing myself like this- but its honestly what is causing this problem to be so difficult to stop... i analyze everything about it all day of every day searching for a mental cure, maybe a sentence i can repeat to achieve clarity over it all- i dunno I just am at a loss for answers, this month is coming up and i just had another session today.. im going to go back to the lights off, routine-like rituals to physically prevent myself from doing it... but whenever I do these I'm always tempted to challenge my problem, as if im stronger than it, i try to stare at myself in the mirror and do nothing... i always lose... then i feel like i have lost , it becomes easier then to pick to postpone the shame, its the best way i can describe what goes through my mind . sorry for the long post im just jotting down whats on my mind, it honestly feels nice to write these words down, i have never truly been able to explain what i have to anyone and for that i live in my own shame. i always wonder when the day comes that i look in the mirror and my youth is now gone, what regrets i will have... if i can help anything today , with the help of this site and you guys, i want to make certain that I will only look back on this as a stepping stone to my adult life, instead of a burdening shame that i feel has been the root of all pain in my life (sorry for the dramatacism haha, im actually a friendly and funny person in real life)
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VABBY22
July 06, 2011
Hi There Hope, I hear you, I feel you and my heart goes out to you. I am sure all of us on here understand and know these feelings all too well. I did just write a really long post that is under: My experiences: I'm healing skin picker of 10 years. You should go through and read it. I am currently in the stages of healing. I don't pick very much anymore, I don't excessively wash my face anymore, I don't "hate" my skin, I don't feel ashamed of it anymore, it is a process but things are getting better and better. I have been writing some of my experiences in my blog: if you go to www.rawpeach.wordpress.com- you will see a post labeled Obsessive Compulsive Behaviours... If you have time to read it, please do. It may help you get some ideas of what you can do for yourself. I know with all of my heart you can heal from this and get both your mind and your skin to a healthy place. You will be very surprised at how easy it is to stop picking your skin if you can get your mind to the right place. Please send me a message or anything on my blog. I would love to help you in anyway that I can. I have numerous things I have done over the last year and months. Try to take some time today to just appreciate some things in your life and see if you can start to change the way you appreciate your own skin. Perhaps start to change the relationship you have with it. Blessings- V
hope42
July 07, 2011
thankyou so much for your reply, you made my day! I read your blog entry on that website, but I couldnt find your post on this site unfortunately. When you were becoming determined to stop, did you set goals for yourself? If so, what kind of goals? I always seem to do worse when I set goals.. like , TODAY IM NOT GOING TO PICK... its in my head all day at work, im not gonna. im not gonna... then i get home and shower and boom im in that trance picking and worse than usual because of the build-up of anxiety... today i tried to think of one things and one thing only.. I learned in my psych classes that if your concious mind is repeadidly focusing on one thing, then there is no way to focus on another (i.e pick)... its a thin line, although, between concious and unconcious as I found out today. I went into the bathroom picturing in my head , one simple, concrete thing: an ice cold beer... (i thought it would be easy to keep my mind on that..) i ended up thinking about it, but when i took off my shirt i glanced down , while still thinking about the object my hands began to probe for a second, i tried to focus harder , went into the shower, thinking i beat it i stepped out and slipped into a trance after feeling a bump, I went from thinking in a concious way to an unconcious way... interestingly, I will often think back to an old conversation, or story, or perhaps a made up event/story and dialogue it in the back of my head as i pick, almost to distract myself in order to maintain the trance-like picking. I've found that breaking this trance is quite dificult, but with one sudden , impeding thought- or an abrupt outside distraction, it has been possible to stop before everything is popped. What I have never ever in my life been able to do, is pop something halfway, for example create swelling, have that white stuff close to the surface, and only half empty it or leave it ... at that point is the height of my addiction, i believe if i can come over that point that I wil be on the road to success.. i feel as if it is an imperfection, and i have this delusional belief that it would heal better emptied, and sometimes even drained of sorrounding swelling by a nearby small incision (which always makes it worse, and has lead to terrible scars). Once again im rambling on, but i very do much appreciate your responce, its comforting to know that someone understands me. thank you :D edit: just found your post! for me my cheeks are the one area i dread to have picked as well.. very long heal in the spot , and i feel like just one has ruined my face and i cant go out... its great that you are healing tho! perhaps one day this will all seem like a separate age in your life, far from the present. i believe at that point, your golden. while picking is so familiar its so easy to slip back in, the longer you can go without- the more stable the recovery becomes.
VABBY22
July 07, 2011
Hi Hope! I am really happy to offer any tools I have used throughout this grueling process. So I am EXACTLY like you. I always thought that telling myself "I'm not going to pick today I'm not going to pick today..." would work but I would always end up right back at my mirror studying my pores and messing with anything that looked slightly clogged. I am not sure what it is about telling myself not to pick, it always ends up giving me more anxiety too. That is wonderful you're in some psych classes. That was my major actually. I have studied and researched under a few professors and I really learned A LOT about different pathologies and treatment research. OCD is just so consuming to the mind, regardless of what the compulsion is. Some people have eating disorders, some people have to turn lights on and off, some people can't brush their teeth normally, and of course for us, we pick. So what I did in the very beginning was a few things- I religiously read and watched videos from Fran from High on Health's blog. If you go to www.highonhealth.org you will see she has a tab for "ACNE" and if you click on that you will find heaps of videos and blog posts. She thinks very similar to me and she helped me so much in the very beginning. The first thing to work on is really your mind, not the compulsion (behaviour). I started thinking about my skin in a new way, trying to love it and take care of it and allowed it be a part of me and not something I was battling every single day. Also I changed my diet drastically. I have never eaten poorly, I grew up with parents who are very holistic so I never had fast food or much junk food, but I did decide to do a three week juice feast and went to a 100% raw diet afterwards. I slowly began to eat some cooked foods again but I did lose some weight from this and it did clear up a lot of issues with my skin. I also began a very dedicated yoga practice. I have done yoga on and off for years but I currently go to about 5 classes a week and this also really helps my skin- sweating out toxins is wonderful for your skin. I also was using terrible products on my face which I totally eliminated. I was using proactiv and it was just awful, I hated it. What I did was started using raw honey to wash my face (I know this sounds crazy but it is absolutely amazing! It helps so much. You can do little honey masks too (which I still use when I feel the need to pick- I just run a nice little layer of honey on my face and it helps me leave it alone). It is naturally antibacterial and it will help clear up your face and calm things down as well. Right now what I use is raw manuka honey and a product from Living Libations called The Best Skin Ever: Seabucktorn. It is an oil which you can use for cleansing and for moisturizing and toning. I used to think it was crazy to wash your face with oil, but my goodness this product is amazing! I now will not put anything on my skin that I wouldn't eat. I think things just work better that way. I understand not everyone is on the holistic train, but it really does amazing things for your skin and your body. I also read EVERYTHING on the www.stoppickingonme.com website. If you haven't gone there yet- DO IT. You will learn so much about your skin and different ways you can approach healing. So after I got this foundation I really started to crack down. I decided to do a 30 day no pick challenge. The first day was seriously the hardest for me. The night I went to bed without picking my skin (just washing it gently) was just so hard for me. I kept waking up I couldn't sleep well and just kept worrying about how bad my skin would look in the morning. Surprisingly my skin looked SO much better. Then I found over the days the less I messed with it that the more it healed overnight. Our skin repairs itself overnight and every morning it just looked less red, less pigmented with scars and pink, and the less spots I saw. I did however have some spots during this time that came up that popped very easily so I did get rid of those but my rule was that if I did pop anything it was only one pop from my little skin tool and that was it. And surprisingly, they would heal overnight and look so much better in the morning. Sorry, I just realized I am writing you a novel on here. If you want to e-mail me, you are more than welcome to: I really would love to help you as much as I can. I know exactly how you feel and the anxiety is unbearable sometimes. My e-mail is rawpeachblog@gmail.com and my name is Vanessa. One thing I would tell you to absolutely do if you can is go to your local health store and find the supplement Kava Kava. You can find the root extracts or you can get capsules. This is a root that has very strong calming and anxiety ridding effects. You can do a few dropper fulls in the morning, afternoon or night, or just whenever you feel anxious. This herb has been a life saver to me. I also have had chronic migraines for over a decade so finding anything that will calm me down naturally is a godsend. I find that it really helps me relax and calm my mind. It makes me more peaceful and open to allowing my skin to do its own thing. I will talk to you soon! Have a great day and try to build some trust within yourself to know that you are taking action and you will look back on this one day and question why you ever did it! You have the power and you WILL get move past this!
hope42
July 07, 2011
Thankyou so much for your help and concern vanessa! As for holistic products, I currently use 3 products from the body shop. They are tea trea oil based, one is a warming mask, another a soapy-like anti-bacterial scrub, and the third is a pasty-like exfoiliator for black heads I believe. As for sweating to release toxins I do workout regularly, I learned this class called, "body combat" while in mexico and I do it all the the time I sweat so so much during it and feel very cleansed after. I must agree that after doing that 3 times a week regularly, my skin looked amazing on my face. Its more so on my chest that I am worried about, its been the problem all these years. My face has good times and bad, but my chest really only has bad times mainly due to the fact that I feel it is an area I could always hide. I'm always subconciously trying to find a reason, or excuse as to why popping that blemish (which is most often just a bumped out hair follicle) would be not too big of a deal. Ill tell myself, oh its monday, if you want to go out friday and wear a v-necked shirt it will be healed by then; or "oh, its winter time and your dark blinds will prevent her from noticing your scars" . It REALLY has affected my dating life I am so ashamed of it that I come off as very insecure; my friends have no idea why either because I exercise a lot and they tell me I should be the most confident person ever: and I AM, or at least I was, for that reason I have hope. I keep telling myself that one day itll be in the past, and ill be able to be myself again, just live a whole day without a worry, without a concern- genuinly happy in my own skin. Its sad, but thats been my dream for a while now. I will see if I can find this kava kava product, although I live in a faily small town I believe we have one small hollistic food store but theres a good chance they have it, I mean they had shark oil and stuff for scars so i mean kava kava shouldnt be much rarer. Thank you again vanessa, I really appreciate this!
VABBY22
July 08, 2011
It is so interesting how each person has a different area on their body that they pick more. I have never had issues with my chest or anything, my focus has always just been on my face. Even this week, I have been getting tons of spots on my cheeks and it is just driving me nuts. I think it is more because my period is coming up but even for me when I haven't been picking very much, those little spots still can consume my mind. I have been doing nice little honey masks or simple little face scrubs and just not staring in the mirror. See, there are definitely still ups and downs, but the urge just becomes so much easier to manage and process when you have really started to train your mind in a different way. What do you use for your body moisturizer? Since some of your worst spots are on your chest, maybe trying something new on there may help you a little bit. Definitely try to find some Kava Kava Root. I just got a new bottle today that also has passionflower in it to see if that would also help me relax a bit. These supplements help with my headaches too, so it is kind of like killing two birds with one stone, but honestly the picking is almost my number one focus just because it can take you to such dark places. :(. I am really happy we connected. It is just great to have someone to speak with and just be able to say exactly what you're feeling with no judgement. I hope you have a really great weekend. Let me know how you're doing. :) Blessings, V
hope42
July 12, 2011
i dunno if moisturizers or anything will help, to be completly honest I dont even get acne on my chest. I simply find pores to squeeze, even a healthy pore can eventually pop, its really all I do. And it escalates so quickly, for example today: I had gone four days without popping , my chest was full of scars but at least they werent open sores. I was on the path to healing, but today (i dont know what it is about mondays) I had a long session. The reason my seasons go so long is because even though I have popped one of these spots (invisible to anyone else), I see any inflammation or pressure underneath as reason to continue, pushing that pressure pocket (of most likely just blood drawn to the surface from squeezing) to other hair follicles which sometimes forces out a pre-mature follicle, sort of resembling the popping of a zit. I am so obsessed with making sure I follow through, that once I start I truly cant stop. I can look in the mirror sometimes and see one of these viable spots or bumps (most of the time its just a large pore) and do nothing, and even wonder why I ever did do something, but as soon as my fingers touch either side and begin to squeeze I have to follow through, I cant leave a job, "half finished" so-to-speak. I literally just finished one of these sessions, I was in the bathroom for an hour and a half. I came home with determination, to quickly shower, then go to the gym and maybe get a tan (i find it helps to mask the scars over time) ... now i am without desire to do anything but cram my face into my bed and stay there until the day is over and the pain of failing myself is gone... on the bright side I did have a good weekend ! There was this festival in town with a large latin community It was like I was in Mexico again, dancing a la musica banda :D I forgot totally for a while. Days like those really help me to avoid picking. I think thats why I went four days, I was sorrounded by my friends and I was too busy to sit in the bathroom for so long studying my body.. How was your weekend? Btw: Did you know that way more people have dermatillomania than bi polar syndrome? And how often do you hear that someone has bi polar syndrome... i mean quite often.. I think there are a lot of people like you and I , just afraid to tell anyone.
onlyme
July 08, 2011
I just recently realized this is happening to me, meaning I just realized it is a problem. It's been going on for over a year now, maybe longer but just recently realized it was a disorder. I'm shocked. I thought picking little blemishes was out of boredom, since I've been out of work, but suddenly came to the realization that I can't help it. If you are young, you are lucky to get help now and have a life free of "picking" and other OCD activities. I, however am 59 YO Female, just coming to the realization that there are problems that go far beyond what I had first thought, which was, lack of self-esteem, depression, anxiety, social anxiety, insomnia, mood disorder. I thought being on anti-depressants for years was keeping me "okay" for society and not having to uncover some deeper, darker secrets.

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