New to the forum

I just wanted to thank you all for the help you've (unknowingly) given me. I've been visiting this site for the past year or so, trying to cope with this. I remember when I was little, I could never ever leave a scab alone. To this day, my legs and arms still have scars from where I would pick my scabs to absolute death, over and over and over. I didn't start picking my face until I was a freshman in highschool. I played tennis for my highschool, and was the only 9th grader to make the team. I started getting really bad acne though, like cystic acne, on my cheeks and jawline and my self-esteem just plummeted. My crazy doctor thought it would be a good idea to give me microdermabrasion treatments on the enflamed cysts (this was after a round of tetracycline which i couldnt stomach, as well as tons of topicals that didn't work). BAD IDEA. it left me with terrible scars on my cheeks that when I look in the mirror (i'm now 20 years old) I still see. I can't leave my face alone. I spend usually about an hour and a half in the morning applying cosmetics to hide what I've done to my skin the night before. And i hate that. It seems like time i could spend doing something so much more productive. I've tried to narrow it down a little bit... I don't pick in front of people. so i know i could control this... but once i'm standing in front of the mirror looking at all the pimples or scars i have, i just get this nagging thought that if i pop it or scrape it or pick it or whatever it, it'll get better. even though RATIONALLY, i know it won't.. but I still do it. I will spend a couple hours, easy, picking at my face in front of the mirror. The wierd thing is though, that I don't even realize i've spent that long. It's like I just lose track of time, i don't pay attention to anything else. I don't feel pain when I do it, i just feel like i'm making myself better. Then when I finally feel like i'm "done" its like the trance has ended and then all i feel is ashamed and guilty and so so depressed. a lot of times I'll cry afterwards. I have had one serious boyfriend before, and he was amazing, and i didn't pick when I was with him. but my picking has gotten worse and worse to the point where I dont leave the house as much, i have skipped work and school because i've picked, i wont leave the house without makeup. My life revolves solely around the state of my skin and i cant stop it. I dont understand why I am so obsessed with it. I want to quit so badly. I work out multiple times a day, I eat only organic food, i do yoga, i drink green tea and water, i take vitamins. I do everything right, yet i look like i am on meth or something. i am so scared im going to be alone for the rest of my life because i have let these nagging thoughts control me. Anyway... it feels really really good to get that out. My immediate family knows that i have this going on but we dont talk about it much. I've gone to therapy multiple times and i've seen a psychiatrist but I haven't made much progress.