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Basta , 13 Jan 2012

80 days' commitment

Day 1: Today is the first day of my the new me. I'm not picking anymore and the next 80 days I'll make my determination even stronger putting my will-power and thoughts into this transformation.
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cleanandsparkles
January 13, 2012
hi basta, i would put a thumbs up sign of encouragement but there isnt one as far as i know. so :) instead. anyhow i am about to post on my little 'comment space' but thought id quickly say hi on yours. i have got my boyfriend staying until tuesday and will find it difficult to spend much time on here and i am slightly apprehensive, only slightly but i just know i will miss the amazing strength i get from this site. still, i hope to get a few minutes here and there. in the meantime, keep up good work and here's to 'freedom forever'! p.s isnt 'basta' italian for 'enough'? i was an au-pair in Rome years ago and the mum kept saying 'basta' to the child! consequently, its one of the few words i remember. anyhow it is very fitting because i certainly had endured enough. best wishes
Basta
January 13, 2012
That's right - this nick name came up to my mind when I wanted to become a member here. Basta is Enough! I :-) Funny - I've been an au pair too, but in Denmark. I will be thinking about you and send you the positive wibes while you're away from the site.
cleanandsparkles
January 13, 2012
thank you so much basta and ditto. great support, just brilliant. i am running late now - nothing new there! but just v quickly wanted to say how much i appreciated your comment. and I think 'zubito'? isnt that italian for 'quick'? anyway, something like that - and that is what i need to be now! thanks again and back soon.....
Basta
January 14, 2012
Day 2: Will spend the whole day at school today, and will cook in the evening, so it'll be a busy day. I'm thinking "clear" - I try to act as if I didn't have any skin issues at all. It feels great so far!
Basta
January 15, 2012
Day 3: Have been at school today too and have been touching my skin lots of times in search of some dry flakes to rip off... My anxiety is at a very high level today. I had a really terrible nightmare tonight so I was quite sad in the morning - everything felt so real in this dream :(
Basta
January 16, 2012
Day 4: was at work and it actually went well. I'm still struggling with the urge to peel the flakes of the face, so I guess I'll go to bed now. :)
Basta
January 18, 2012
Day 6: It's getting harder and harder. My anxiety levels are high again. I'm also feeling frustrated. My hubby's younger brother has just finished his university with a great grade. I'm happy for him but I am feeling sad because I haven't (yet) got my dream education and feel like a failure. These feelings make me focus on my skin - it's too sad to realize that I'm still not the one I want to be...
cleanandsparkles
January 18, 2012
hey basta. i am back after few days and iv missed the back-up that i get when i come on here. good you are still going strong, yes i acknowledge that you are having a downer - but guess what - you are having a 'downer' as a NON-PICKER! and lets face it you would probably be having a downer about the univ. thing anyway - so at least it is only on that level, rather than the horrid deeper level that we can go to with the picking. - hope i dont sound flippant here but i am just encouraging you in your success that you have had recently. I speak from experience here because i know that it is easy to forget how much the picking can prevent 'going forward'. - everything that is done from now on will be easier by the fact that there is at least one big burden less that we have to contend with, ie shame of picking. - As far as thinking that you are a failure is concerned that is a classic 'beat yourself up' mode. - Basta - it is never too late to achieve things, sometimes it may be not the way we might have chosen but things happen which can be far better than we could ever have imagined. - hope you are out of the doldrums now and that it was a momentary blip? - hope you have changed your focus and doing something good, like your running? best wishes and i am just going to blitz a little of my 'stuff' on my 'space' on here and then im off to get something to eat because i have just got in from work and need food! bfn
Basta
January 18, 2012
The negativity is away now :) Thank yu so much for your support!! The thing is that I'm applying for the university (again) this year and I'm afraid of getting a "no" for the 6th year in a row :( I've got other education and still studying but still not where I want to be. I really hope I'll succeed this year.
cleanandsparkles
January 19, 2012
Just had to comment on this too! :) I really hope that your application is successful for you for the uni. - with strong resolve we can have an influence on many things and suspect that you may have a better chance this time round with your appliction as a result of successfully conquering a major negative habit. - Guess that what you are studying at moment is important too and all ends up in a 'picture' of who you are. - all skills can help along the way and without sounding trite (forgive me if i do i genuinely mean this because i am trying to learn this too) - it is the journey along the way that is vital too. ie yes, hopefully this will be the year for being accepted but who knows what lessons there are to be learnt along the way to becoming where you want to be. - makes me think of climbing a mountain, its not just about reaching the top, its the climb itself (not that i am slightly obsessed with climbing a mountain at the moment, or anything!!!! - ok well yes i admit maybe i am a little), cannot help but think it is a fitting analogy. We are all striving to climb these metaphorical mountains - so often there is this pressure to achieve. Surely the absolute greatest achievement of all is peace/happiness, love, health, etc. obviously fantastic to successfully become what we aspire to be but it is the person inbetween that counts too. - guess im a little contemplative right now because i need to get some kip. going to get a hot milk drink and commence snoring. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz :)
Basta
January 19, 2012
Day 7: My skin looks really lovely :) I made a peel-off mask yesterday (black Daiso mask) which took some of the sebum from the pores in a gentle way! It is an excellent substitute to hours of picking with my hands. I have had a really sad morning today. Together with my skin-pick project I decided to accept and "contain" my feelings. NOT running from them but feeling what I'm feeling, give it a name and just let them be. Because I can see that so much as skin picking has been running from emotions, I need to stop running from them together with stopping the picking. It has been a good decision and I feel that when I accept the feelings, then they just are there and I find a kind of peace with them. For example yesterday I felt sad because of thoughts about education and writing/talking about it and being sad didn't frustrate but made me feel more free. But today I had to go to a gynecologist and had a biopsy, and I just hate it so much. I was really sad after it and when I came to work I began crying and spoke about it with two of my colleagues. I'm happy that I didn't suppress or ran from the feeling, but it was not the most pleasant thing to do.
cleanandsparkles
January 19, 2012
oh basta sorry to read of your ordeals this a.m. - v good that you shared with your colleagues. think part of emotion is the physical invasion of these tests/examinations - v intrusive and so personal. and then of course the waiting for result. well done for going through with it - really, really and another really. - feelings are bloody hard to feel but there is a sense of liberation afterwards. sadness is a gentle feeling and it can be shared with people and getting feedback/kindness from them is healing in itself. - picking and self-attacking is old style isnt it? - your colleagues will be understanding of you and appreciate your openness. - with picking, it can be so isolating because, in my case anyway, we tend to share our feelings less because the picking numbs the feelings to an extent - BUT in an unhealthy way. - hope you are ok now basta. give yourself some good treats today, something delicious to eat, or whatever. just something good. just for YOU.
Basta
January 20, 2012
Day 8: This was quite a day for me today!!!!!!! I work a bit far from public transport these days (from August '11 till February) ans sometimes some of my colleagues drive and I get a lift to the underground. Today I used the chance again and one of my colleagues drove me. We drove and everything was fine but then he started talking. He told me that we was totally in love with me and just wanted to kiss me all day long, that he though about me all the time and that the only thing that was stopping him is that I'm married. :OOOOOOOO I really like the guy, he is a cool person and we have great chemistry, we work really great together, but I was shocked how many feelings he was going around and hiding from me. I'm actually still in shock! I'm NOT looking forward to next week because I will be working side by side with him and I just don't know how to behave to not hurt his feelings too much. The skin is doing fine, day eight now, tadaaaaa!!
Basta
January 22, 2012
Day 10: The day went fine, but I've been looking for a good moisturizer and still haven't found anything. In the summer I like active moist from Dermalogica, it's really wonderful for my skin, but it's just not enough in the winter. I use skin smoothing cream around eyes (yes, I know I have to buy an eye cream but I haven't got so far yet) but it gives me pimples. I like the texture of Ole Henriksens herbal day creme, but it's sunscreen makes my face shine as if I put oil on the face... I got a sample of cliniques superdefence spf 25 for oily combination skin and it just dried my skin out, stang and gave me new pimples!!! Wow, I really didn't expect this!!! I didn't pick the face but did touch the shoulders... :( it was just a couple of clugged pores, so I didn't give totally in.
Basta
January 24, 2012
Day 12! OMG, I'm still not picking!! I'm quite happy about that. I'm going to see a dermatologist today for a face scan - I'm really excited what he will say about my skin. It looks ok, but not perfect of course...
cleanandsparkles
January 24, 2012
hope today went well :) . - ive replied to your other message too hence quick note now, there is only so much time i can 'hide' in bathroom! face scan? not sure how it works but sounds interesting. :)
Basta
January 25, 2012
The face scan is a ultrasound scan where you can see the layers of the skin and it's composition. Are the cells strongly connected to each other or are they falling apart, is the skin thin or thick, is there sun damage and some other things which I don't remember now. My skin is actually quite "standard" for my age, it was nice to hear. But I am going to a "real" dermatologist on Tuesday to have a full skin analysis, where she will hopefully tell more about my skin. I can see that as long as I just use Clinique's cream on the areas (almost everywhere) where I have big pores and skin smoothing cream all the other places, then it works fine for me. I'm though still looking for a day cream which I'll be happy about.
Basta
January 25, 2012
Day 13: The skin is nice but I really really want to pick right now, uhhhhhhhhhhhh... I can feel that the pores are full and want to squeeze them. But I won't do that - I'm going to use the scrub (Origins) and then go to bed. I have had quite a tough time at work this week because the guy who is crazy about me is stalking me - he calls the phone all the time to ask me to go drink coffee with him, checking on me all the time, trying to talk to me on facebook and skype... My colleagues agreed to help me to keep him away - so I'm not leaving our office without a colleague beside me so he won't talk to me, and I exchanged my working place with a colleague so it's harder to come through to me. There are only three days left for me in this centre, so I'll go back to my usual job after that. I went to a hairdresser yesterday and to my surprise I was brave enough to let her cut quite a lot of my hair!!!! I felt like my skin is looking so much nicer that ever so I'm not afraid to have shorter hair anymore! I like the cut, it's a simple carre.
cleanandsparkles
January 25, 2012
how great to get a new, more radical haircut. - its funny isnt it how this being free from the picking provides so many new opportunities to be as we 'wish' to be, ie. just naturally spontaneous. - yukky to hear about stalking-guy. how boring to have to deal with that right now, thank goodness you can leave work-arena in few days. reminded me of book iv just read which featured amorous chap who bothered the narrator/character, very funny/lighthearted, Carole matthews, all wrapped up, like reading easy funny fiction as cheers me up, i am purposefully avoiding grotty things, inc books, films, tv, papers, and especially people! editing my life for new positive options! - hope you got good quality sleep and hope scrub worked v well. :)
sarahSMILESx03
January 28, 2012
this is really inspiring! i can't imagine not picking for 80 days. i hope one day i can get to this point :) keep us updated on how it's going.

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