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Basta , 13 Jan 2012

80 days' commitment

Day 1: Today is the first day of my the new me. I'm not picking anymore and the next 80 days I'll make my determination even stronger putting my will-power and thoughts into this transformation.
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Basta
January 28, 2012
Day 18: OMG, I still haven't picked!!! But I was so close to doing that yesterday. The pores are totally filled up... I couldn't wait for Tuesday and went to dermalogica's skin mapping yesterday. She told me I had oily skin om my forehead, nose and cheeks close to the nose. Other places it's normal skin so I can use my beloved skin smoothing creme all places but oily parts. I have bought Thermafoliant vitamin scrub - it is soooooooooo great!!!!! My skin feels renewed and very smooth. Yesterday I said goodbye to the office where I have been working dince august and will return to my usual place on Monday. My boss called me to a meeting - is he going to fire me???? I'm SO anxious now. Maybe it's this anxiety which made me want to pick yesterday? I'm glad I can write the feelings down so I integrate them without becoming self-destructive. I had also quite a hard time leaving that office yesterday, I was sad - it was difficult to leave them after these 5 months and not hurt. I'm still going to a dermatologist on Tuesday for a skin analysis, because it's free and I want to hear about the skin from another expert too.
cleanandsparkles
February 01, 2012
Hey basta. havent posted for what seems like centuries, but is in reality about a week! just checking in with you to say hi and hope your meeting positive with boss? - whoa! - bit daunting being called to a meeting - perfect opportunity for a big fat projection-circus. - v much hope it went ok. - also if you went to dermatologist how was skin analysis? - lots of new developments for me - but being on antibiotics wasnt one of the ones i expected... got some sort of infection (ditto re: above reference for a big fat 'projection' opportunity - blimey i have diagnosed myself with a million serious illnessess, however, hopefully the anti.b's will clear ' it ' up and whatever it is/was will be history). - dont much like taking these tablets but am drinking cranberry juice, gallons of water and eating natural yoghurt, etc. - there is a plus side to all this - skin looks great! - wishing you a good week too basta. :)
Basta
February 01, 2012
Day 20: I picked last Saturday :( Was really afraid of getting many infected pores but the skin was not that bad after this the next day, I wore make-up anyway. I got fired this Monday. I'm ok with that but also wondering why me. It is probably normal. I haven't picked since saturday which is good but want to pick every day though. And I'm a bit sad and about to find out what to do with my life. I guess I'll just work on my own project and start my own business.
cleanandsparkles
February 01, 2012
Basta, - 1) :( re: firing. - 2) :) :) :) way you are planning new business and projects - 3) :) :) :) great you havent picked since Saturday and - 4) :) :) :) that your skin recovered v well.
awaken
February 01, 2012
Hi! I read your post a few nights ago before posting my first post. Your commitment was my inspiration to stop. Thank you. Keep doing you are doing so well!
awaken
February 01, 2012
Hi! I read your post a few nights ago before posting my first post. Your commitment was my inspiration to stop. Thank you. Keep doing you are doing so well!
Basta
February 05, 2012
Day 24: I haven't picked since that Saturday - until today. I only took the biggest "issues" but still not happy about it. My period has just begun too, so I guess I was influenced by the hormones. I still haven't got used to the fact that I am jobless now. Going to a job interview tomorrow (voluntary work) so very very excited if they want me!!! It's a telephone line you can call to if you are sad or lonely or anything else on earth, and I will hopefully be one of the people on the line to talk and support whoever calls.
Basta
February 09, 2012
Day 28: My skin looks lovely! I realized that my cheeks don't get any inflammations or even pimples if I don't touch or pick them! So I am now quite sure that I have normal skin there. Forehead and chin are not good - pimples and inflamed pores all the time.
cleanandsparkles
February 09, 2012
Basta, how wonderful to have come so far and see evidence of all the commitment. i know how complex this all is but it is also such a great opportunity to get to know our REAL selves better and not rely on the avoidance tactics! challenging but worth the effort. how did interview go? like the sound of doing something similar in a voluntary role, think by helping others it has double benefit - it feeds our nurturing side and helps us feel good about ourselves too. which can't be a bad thing! :)
Basta
February 09, 2012
It went well! I got the job and going to two courses first (over two weekends) and then start around end of march. So excited!! I was thinking about why I would want to help people this way and realized that it's because deep inside I want to be helped.... It's not a bad thing but quite interesting to find the reason there! Sarah, I was so happy today but then my husband came home and then something just pushed me into picking. An hour long session :((((((((( I'm just really sad to lose some of my colleagues and can't talk with my husband about it, I have this issue that I don't want to show him my weaknesses (afraid of him leaving me). So without stopping and takng a breath I did what I used to do to deal with this. :( I am sad that I missed the moment. I must remember though that there will be a day tomorrow and the day after and so on... I am also nervous because I'm going to a TOEFL (English language exam) on Saturday and have actually no idea if I can get enough points. I haven't spoken English for quite a while, that's why I'm getting nervous and anxious. It's just a difficult time for me now. I have though finally fixed my website and actually ready, but really really afraid to fail.
cleanandsparkles
February 09, 2012
Basta, a pick is not going backwards - it is a pick amongst the many, many, many many, many strong days you have had. sounds as if you know this inside but i totally get that you are disappointed about not catching 'the moment' - god that bloody moment was a daily/nightly bloody moment before - now they can be 'one-offs'. also i guess hormonal time is a challenge. funny, i was just talking to my daughter (went to pizza express) and i was talking with her about all this stuff. its the time when we can feel a bit heavy, bloated, out-of-sorts and its a great time to avoid dwelling on things, but the time we are most inclined to be a little melancholy - and hey what an opportunity to really do a double whammy and temptation to pick can be huge - forgive yourself totally basta - you are doing great. sounds like you have a lot going on, good, bad and ugly - good (new job - congratulations! well done - you will be fab in this role, they are lucky to have you), bad (scary feelings re: husband - opportunity maybe to explore?) and a little ugly (ugly = losing work colleagues during day - but sure you will keep friends with the special ones?). gosh basta, so much change. so many different 'states' of mind to deal with. also surprise, surprise (not !) hormonal activity seems to intensify everything doesnt it? - now, as for Saturday - you can only do your absolute best. remember to take your deep breaths and think of positive things before you go in to exam - ie your fab new job. :) :) :)
valentine
February 14, 2012
I just wanted to chime in to congratulate you on your journey so far. I'm starting (again) tonight and figure I may have some questions for you down the line... like about ways you've fought through the hard urges...and how/whether you went about eliminating top "picking spots" in the house. (For me, on my bikini/wax line, I don't need a mirror but that means all seats near/under bright lights are "danger zones". Do I have to change the lighting everywhere in the house??)
Basta
February 14, 2012
I used to have a mirror in my living room where the light is best and pick every single night. I took the mirror into my closet first. The worst days I would hold one hand with the other and this way fysically not be able to pick. I used to pick bikini line too, but after I stopped waxing/epilating there and use a razor it's not exciting anymore because there are no grown in hairs. I would change the lightning in every dangerous zone, it's a cheap way to make a huge progress!!! I sold one of the lamps I used to pick under - so glad I did!!
Basta
February 14, 2012
Day 33! My skin has finally recovered since the last episode. I am seriously thinking about throwing the mirror away because it still makes me pick sometimes, I don't want this to happen anymore!! The Toefl test last saturday was very difficult so I am afraid that I won't get enough points. I need 80, I don't really know how many mistakes are accepted. My daugher is sick, so I have been at home with her today. She hasn't slept two nights in a row now and I am very tired!! I wanted to use this whole week on thinking about my life purpose and made no appointments but I guess I will just be staying at home with her and having my 100% on her. It's ok, but just not the best timing!
Basta
February 17, 2012
Day 36! My skin looks lovely! My daughter have been sick but today I finally have a day for myself today! I have won a ticket to a styling event with country's best stylist for tonight! So excited! :)
Basta
February 21, 2012
Day 40! OMG I still haven't picked!!! I am so lucky that my skin has been quite dry the last days - I was sick and vomited for a few days in a row so I almost haven't eaten anything - it seems that there's something I eat which makes my skin produce more sebum because after these days it hasn't. I haven't eaten fruit at all yet, my stomach is still in quite a bad condition.
Basta
February 22, 2012
Day 41! I want to pick really much, but I manage somehow to forget it. My picking today is a result of me not doing the most important thing which is to apply the university I want to attend and jobs and study. Gosh, I have really much which has to get done! I got great results from TOEFL test today! Yay! I was really afraid I made lots of mistakes but it seems I didn't!! :)) The day has been great too in another way: I finally found the leather jacket I has been looking for for 1,5 years!!! It is used but it's in excellent condition. Soooo happy!
cleanandsparkles
February 23, 2012
hi basta. i havent been here for a while but logged in today and saw your great news re: toefl test. congrats :) - really pleased for you. - This will help with your confidence to apply to your university course wont it?. :) - Cannot chat much right now as daughter demanding laptop!! - however just wanted to add my encouragement to you. - We know its tricky to quit totally but any improvements are beneficial and lots of pats on shoulders are required for all of us for trying our best :))). - You sound so happy basta and the success with the jacket is v good. - things are enjoyed more when you have worked hard to get them, you say you have been looking for jacket for 1.5 years - now you have succeeded! - same with picking, work hard and eventually, in our own times, we find solutions to pick-free days. :) :)
Basta
February 26, 2012
Day 45: I picked today. It was a major picking session which took around two hours. I'm quite sad about it now. When I look back, I can simply see that I haven't given myself time to calm down and come back to myself. I had just come home after the second day of intensive training (for the phone line for those people who have mental disorders or difficult life situations) and was really tired. Instead of calming down I started watching tv, eating and at last gave in to picking. I hope I will be more attentive next time. But sad anyway that I did it.... :(
toomuchpressure
February 27, 2012
Dearest Basta, first and foremost as a fellow picker I ask that you forgive yourself. We are all struggling through this and you need to know that there is hope. Look at how much progress you made! I read an article the other day about how as humans we need to be making to done lists instead of to do lists...think about how much you have done already. Now, calm yourself, relax and remember that you are stronger than this...We can do this! :)

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