Commitment!

day 26 so my grandma said my skin looked good today! hooray for progress. I deff caught myself though...since i have limited my access to mirrors and i haven't had a session in a while, I'm having withdrawals like legitimately. it is so hard. i went to ross and i tried some close on and also looked toooooo close in the mirror. popped a couple of pimples but i stopped. i consciously made the decision to stop which is so important. Im beginning to realize that! Anyways, while my musical theatre college search may seem to not be going well, i DID get accepted to penn state as an education major woot! so happy days! my life does have a track after all!

just kind of random but you guys, i hope to one day help you and us and me in this dilemma. i went to the doctors about a year ago to seek medical attn for this disaster that we face and you know what he told me? oh i about flipped my lid, busted a cap, cussed him out. He goes, you are a beautiful girl ( me of course with a crap ton of makeup on) don't destroy yourself like that. JUST STOP. literally how many times have all of us heard, just stop. its like the worst phrase for us. anyways, its my dream to get this disease if you will out into the open and so it is easier for people like you and me to get treatment! :) yay a

day 27 i slept like all day oops. I had my first free consultation with annette and she was fantastic!! I am hoping to be able to continue on with her! I did a little back picking last night and like two on my face! so I'm happy! i did pick my chest but its not noticeable and i will try my hardest to let it be! hooray!

So i went to rehearsal and i did well! i scratched a couple off BUT the important thing is...i came home and i told myself before i do laundry that i will NOT pick and success!!! hooray!

day 28...man! i had a relapse! I don't know what came over me. i think ia am just tired and frustrated...and confused. Lots on my plate. Its hard to have self control...the bible says that a like a city who's walls are broken is a man who lacks self control...words to live by. Im trying. can't wait to start therapy. wish me luck in my "days after" I can do this. I know it :)

day 29. HOLY cow its been a month. wow. well i think i have made a lot of progress :) even though i had a session the other night I'm okay! it wasn't THAT bad! now...i need to get back on track with my diet and exercise...i feel like crap! God is amazing...i think i have decided where i want to go to college, again. I'm glad i took this year off but now I am antsy pantsy about going to visit etc. i was strong today! no picking! i even didn't scratch but i did eat a lot...lol. trying to control all of my urges today...its so hard...i can do it! its my little brother's eighth birthday today...i love him so dearly...i only want the best for him.

day 30! holy moly again! well today is good! i did not pick and WILL not. I just got my moms approval to go visit penn state and i am super excited...i will not pick my emotions or eat them however :D i can do this! we all can!

day 31! I picked a couple little whiteheads last night but its okay! i stopped! i got my upper lip threaded and i started breaking out! ugh stupid hair that looks ugly but keeps dirt away! haha I'm doing good...tired as heck but trying hard! diet and exercise have not exactly come back into play but i am doing a show so I'm moving every day and working my body in that way!

continued...ugh just had a relapse...not horrible but still there and working...ugh. its okay...breathe in breathe out. new day tomorrow Why now did I feel this urge. obviously i want whatever is in, out...but it goes so much deeper. ugh.

day 32 did better today...gonna keep trying :)

day 33...ugh my skin needs to clear up! I'm trying my best...i just lost a little self control lately...trying to do better :)

day 34...trying to stay strong! i have to call my dad today so hopefully i won't get too emotional about it and pick! Wish me luck!!! :D

day 35...relapse last night. UGH they seriously suck so bad and i eat so much and then i get all sad! like i don't get it...i was happy i was texting someone i liked...i had a really nice conversation with someone at rehearsal..i diddnt even talk to my dad! ugh well here we go...pick myself back up. ITS A NEW DAY! :) I will seize it!

day 36... staying strong...taking shower then bed!! no pick for me!!!!

okay! i caved... a little. NOT a whole lot...I am proud because i consciously stopped myself....My first therapy session is next week...im really excited! Ps...i need to stop eating like crap! NO more taco bell at midnight...ugh...hehe i CAN do this! :)

day 37...going to bed without picking! HOORay