my progress

today, im fasting. like a wild animal does when its wounded. when your body doesnt need to focus its energy on digesting food (for certain periods of time), it will refocus on healing you. im also not working out today because its not a very good idea when your caloric intake is zero, im kind of stressed out about that but im trying to keep my mind off it. i cant really loose muscle tone in a day, its just an irrational fear. i want to come back strong, so no matter how hard it is.. the only thing i will consume today is water. im taking a 4 week vow not to pick. not even a single spot. im going to do literally whatever it takes. after my 4 weeks are up i hope to be a new person. i want to step back and re evaluate my life and feel good about the progress that i have made. i wanna look deeper in to meditation and self hypnosis because i think those could be helpful tools in this journey. i took the light out of my bathroom and am trying hard to think of something i could use to make a cage around the bathroom mirror.. forcing me to keep my distance so i cant get close enough to pick ! i want to be healed so bad. im scared of the permanent mess that will be left behind when everything is healed though. i have some no fun textural scarring on my cheeks but no matter how disheartening that may be, having a scarred face is better than having excoriated acne and scabs and wounds all over my face so i need to do what i can to get over this. i have a lavender candle burning right now.. will probably do my finger and toenails today and maybe take a hot bath (: i want to be relaxed and at peace with myself and not worrying about my stupid face all the time.

no picking yesterday ! not putting makeup on and staying in again today.. and not picking ! i wound up eating last night, but it was like 26 hours after the time i ate before that so i still consider it a fast. i had a baked sweet potato, a handful of walnuts, a grapefruit and some coconut milk. and it was so yummy ! glad that i will be able to workout again today.. and eat. i like to eat. my face is a mess, after i pick really bad i always wind up with these obnoxious whiteheads all over in the places that i picked. it sucks, and tomorrow i have to put on makeup and its going to look so terrible. but im healing now. when i dont pick for 4 weeks im gonna look a million times better. 4 weeks isnt even that long ! im trying to think of something i can do to relieve my mind when im feeling really anxious about my face and wanting to pick so that the anxiety goes away rather than building up. i might use the fasting technique more if i have to, because it makes me so tired and weak i probably couldnt stand up in front of the bathroom mirror and pick if i wanted to.

i am gonna try to be super sweet and gentle and caring to my face ( and whole body ). i need to treat it like a precious gem. my face is the first impression people get of me so i need it to represent me (: im healthy and pretty and cute and sweet and in 4 weeks i will look like exactly that (:

my face looks so annoying today but i cant do anything about it. i have to put makeup on and just be optimistic and think forward. to when im healed (: and be gentle and careful like my face is worth a lot of money and i dont want to break it. i think the way i eat has a lot to do with my anxiety and also the way i physically treat my body. i dont eat meat (for my health, not for moral reasons), but the day i had the big relapse i was cooking some chicken for niko and wound up taste testing a few pieces to see what else it needed and i think just that made me feel crappy.. maybe just mentally, but i believe my picking and eating foods that i dont feel good about are somewhat intertwined. i used to eat meat on the weekends only but i stopped recently. i do still indulge on the weekends though but only in yummy vegetables and other foods that come from plants like sweet potatos and mushrooms and chick peas (: yum ! i dont eat animal products except for eggs. no gluten and no processed foods.

today is feeling hard, but i wont pick. if i dont pick, i will heal and feel good about myself.. its as simple as that. why does it have to be so much easier said than done ? i need a mirror forcefield !!! i know i have a rough couple of weeks ahead, but to conquer this.. i have to get through this initial healing part at one point or another and if i get it over with now i will be wasting the least amount of my life and enjoying myself and feeling beautiful as soon as possible... come on sarah.. you can do this

i know even more that i wont pick anytime soon because if i do, that makes me a liar and a promise breaker which i am absolutely not ! i did my makeup.. my face is a mess. scabs and whiteheads and little skin flake thingies everywhere, but despite all that, im still a cutie ! so im gonna talk about what i like about me and hopefully it will help me feel better (: i naturally have this warm dark dark brown (like a shade away from black) hair that i see people try to recreate all the time. but they cant (: because i was born with mine and it just doesnt look right on a lot of people.. and dying your hair is not so good for it, and a pain in the butt because hair dye smells bad and is chemicals on your head and you have to touch up your roots all the time ! my hair is dark and full and shiny and great (: also, i have really really fair, almost ghostly white skin (which is very striking in combination with the dark hair), and it makes me look so sweet and cute i think. some really pale people look sick, but i take good care of my body and my blood is always flowing cause i workout 2x a day so my skin, minus my face, is usually really radiant and milky and plump. i have some very cute and unique facial features. big shiny brown eyes, a cute little baby tiger looking nose, and big juicy lips. and my body is wonderful (: and i have especially nice lady parts and everyone tells me im so soft when they shake my hand or touch my arm. also i have cute toes ! the only thing i would change about me is my skin on my face and my picking

not feeling so good today but im not going to pick. cant wait to get home and get clean and take all my makeup off. im getting through it this time. everytime i pick, its like procrasinating because there is an initial healing process i have to get through once and for all to seriously be on the right track with my face. im not a procrastinator !

good day so far (: i have an event tonight that i have to go to and im not even scared or upset ! (: my face doesnt look to great but i feel good and i believe that i am always prettier when im smiling (: no matter how my skin looks. and also i just had a beast workout and im feeling so good about my body today. and ive been making my morning smoothie with extra spinach lately, because this is probably stupid but i feel like eating mass quantities of spinach makes my eyes just sparkle and shine like crazy !!! (:

havent posted for the last few days but i havent picked a spot (: last night i ate ice cream !!!!! it was SOOOOOOOOOOOO yummy but eating junk food is a HUGE picking trigger for me, i have been okay so far though. im not going to pick (: