my progress

im really excited to heal today ! there was another big, hurty whitehead that i pricked with a pin today but besides that i have been good to my face. i think i can justify doing that if theres a spot that im seriously losing sleep (or my mind) over. as long as i only do it in emergencies. i dont touch my face or put any pressure on it, so i dont think its very likely that the infection will spread. just lets me stop worrying about the spot. all i can think about is when im healed and can feel seriously pretty and not have to think about my skin all the time. im hopeful that things will start seriously looking up within the week ! i remember the week before my junior prom i told myself i wasnt going to pick for a week so my face could be perfect, i did it.. and my face was pretty much perfect for prom. i guess i probably pick wayyy worse lately and thats why it takes so much longer to heal, but it seems like its just no fair.

realllllllyyyyyyyyy anxious at the moment but i havent picked. why is this so hard ? i really really need a forcefield around the mirror. if i couldnt get within 2 feet of the mirror, my problems would be solved ! i feel crappy, this guilty feeling like i picked.. even though i havent ! i keep meaning to do my eyebrows but i get to scared, being that close to the mirror is a vulnerable place for me and i dont want to risk it right now. i need to do a little cleaning, vaccum, evening workout, soak my belly button, and shower. i should just start checking things off that to do list and try to stop thinking about my face ! wish me luck

no picking ! but i exfoliated. wednesday is an exfoliating day so thats all fine and dandy, but something that makes me feel not so good about it is that i exfoliate really hard ! and i use plain sugar, i have a jar of sugar i keep under my bathroom sink and i grab a handful and exfoliate really really abbrasively and sometimes if i have a certain type of spot on my face it will bleed a little bit from it. it doesnt really hurt, but it feels intense and afterwards when i wash my face it feels soo smooth, like a babies butt ! and i feel cleaner than ever. i try to be gentler sometimes but i just kind of lose control, like how i do with picking and then go at it full force. i dont know if its really bad to exfoliate hard because there are some cosmetic treatments that are basically rubbing of a layer of skin or removing it somehow i think. and i only do it twice a week. whatever. whenever my picking was at its worst i used to exfoliate HARDDD with course salt and then take a cotton swab soaking with rubbing alcohol and rub it all over my face. i think back then i was actually trying to hurt myself.

thinking healing thoughts (:

feeling alright today. i have 2 big annoying whiteheads at the moment. but they arent painfully pressurized so im not allowed to pin prick them ! ill get through it. i talked to my dad today for the first time in a while which was nice. ive been trying to cut back to 1 shower a day, and washing my face (with cetaphil) only once a day because i read that too much cleaning and soap destroys the protective layer that keeps moisture in your skin. its suprisingly difficult especially because i work out twice a day and work up quite a sweat. but it makes my showers and face washes more rewarding and good feeling, because im not over exposed to feeling squeaky clean anymore. i rinse off my face with only water in the mornings and wash with a makeup removing wipe and then cetaphil cleanser at night. and i never use hot water ! not even in the shower. just tepid to warmish

i picked this morning ): it wasnt as bad as it could have been but i am so ashamed and it was definately a set back ): i dont know why i did it.. im so mad at myself. all i want is to heal, i really dont understand why i always have to ruin it. but atleast its over. i stopped picking so that means now im healing.. gonna try to keep my mind off of it and have a nice new day tomorrow.

i picked this morning ): it wasnt as bad as it could have been but i am so ashamed and it was definately a set back ): i dont know why i did it.. im so mad at myself. all i want is to heal, i really dont understand why i always have to ruin it. but atleast its over. i stopped picking so that means now im healing.. gonna try to keep my mind off of it and have a nice new day tomorrow.

i think i want to start applying for jobs (: im feeling optimistic and if i had to go to work it would give me some extra incentive to not pick at myself so i could look pretty ! and we would have lots of money and i could go shopping and do things that made me feel really good about myself. i decided that im gonna start using less stuff on my face, and just let it do what it does naturally because im a very healthy person and our bodies already know what they need to do to heal us without confusing them with a bunch of silly chemicals !

felt pretty good all day (: i think my skin is smart. it doesnt need chemicals like moisturizers and primers to help it get to where i want it to be (: put makeup on my bare face this morning after rinsing with only water... then tonight i wiped off my makeup with a makeup remover wipe and washed once with cetaphil, and that was all ! (: i hope this has some positive effect on my face because i would love to be able to be routinely this low maintenance !

my face is soo annoying today but im gonna get through it ! because when i dont pick, i am healing.. its as simple as that. also, when i do pick its nobodies fault but my own. i dont want to be mad at myself or be afraid of myself anymore. i have so much potential to just be the self confident, charming, beautiful version of me that i have been fantasizing about constantly lately... i need to remind myself of this stuff everyday. if i just let my face heal i would look so pretty and healthy. ive been having trouble sleeping lately so i started doing more workout in the morning, and less in the evening. i feel like its not the best to get your blood pumping like that right before bedtime but ive noticed since i started working out for longer in the mornings, i go into a sort of trance.. like how i used to with picking ! which i would say is a very good thing ! because working out is a much better thing to not be able to resist than tearing up my face (:

Hey, I live in Indiana too. I''m glad you have been sharing. I know exactly how you feel when I have read your posts. Finding the will power is so hard and I'm trying to find ways to cope. I like that you are counting the days and setting goals. I'm going to start keeping track on the days I'm prick free, I think that will help motivate me a bunch! Thanks for sharing and thanks for your optimism! I admire your strength!

i picked again last night ! aaaagggghhhhhhhhh im so mad at myself. i picked really bad, my face still feels sore and bruised just to move my mouth to drink or eat. i get so mad and depressed when i do this because even though i know i can heal, im still causing more and more permenent damage everytime i pick by atleast a few scars... ): no matter what though, all i can do is be optimistic and be excited to heal. but im laying down the law this time ! so new rules ; 1) NO LOOKING IN THE MIRROR WITHOUT MAKEUP ON unless i am washing my face. or in the process of doing my makeup ! at night when i get home and am alone, no looking in the mirror until its time to wash off makeup, and then once im all clean, no looking until i have to get ready the next day. im not even allowed to sneak quick little peeks. everyday i dont look in the mirror except when i have to, i get 1 point (points are good), if i do.. i lose 2. 2)NO PICKING ANYWHERE ON MY BODY, not even at the little callous thingy on my right forefinger. or at a little bump on my arm or an ingrown pubic hair... not at the occasional black head looking thing on my leg and especially not on my precious face. this includes picking off even the scabs that are hanging by a thread, they will fall off on their own when they are totally ready. everyday i dont pick a single spot i get 2 points, and for every spot picked i lose 5 ! 3)WASH MY FACE WITH ONLY WATER unless i have makeup to get off. im trusting my skin to do what it needs to do on its own.. everyday i follow this rule i get 1 point, if i break it i lose 4. 4) GENTLE exfoliating is allowed wednesdays and saturdays.. only if i feel like i need it, and i have to be gentle. harsh exfoliating cannot be good for my face. if i exfoliate too hard or if i exfoliate on the wrong day i lose 3 points. if i exfoliate too hard on the wrong day, i lose 5. i will probably think of more rules later, im going to make a microsoft document of this and also add a list of good things to do instead of picking when im anxious to. and keep track of my points on it ! i dont know what my points will mean at the end yet but ill think of something good. also, i wanted to let you all know that im taking a 17 day, irrevocable vow to not pick. i chose 17 days because i have done it before and i know i can do it again.