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skreed29 , 24 May 2012

my progress

my name is sarah, i live in southern indiana. im 18 years old and have been picking since i was about 10. i am mildly ocd, and have been literally since i can remember but didnt understand it when i was younger, looking back its very obvious though. i also have bdd(body dismorphic disorder) probably since about 7th grade, and i pick at my skin compulsively. right now i mostly pick at my face, even though at some points in the past i have picked at my back, chest, arms, legs, and pubic area. thankfully, these places are now healed for the most part and very nice looking. i have never felt close to my parents(who were divorced when i was 2, my brother was 5) or most of my family. i would say my closest relative is my older brother. he suffers with a lot of the same issues as me. i live with my boyfriend, who i have been with for a little more than 2 years, he tries to be supportive of my picking compulsion but i think its very hard to understand when you arent in the same boat. i consider myself to have a very beautiful body, and when my face isnt covered in spots and wounds and scars, its awfully cute too, but the picking is holding me back from feeling good about myself. i graduated highschool recently and am taking some time off (no work or school) to heal on the inside and on the outside. im going to post here everyday, maybe even more than once to just post my progress and thoughts about the day, or if i find something new and helpful. at the moment i am 3 days clean (: going on 4
328 Answers
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skreed29
September 03, 2012
i think sometimes i pick when for some reason i am putiing off doing something i dont really want to do.. so im gonna try to not procrastinate at all. also im keeping a food log to see if certain foods (or lack there of..) contribute to my anxieties or even breakouts. i want to learn more about myself in hopes of stopping picking for good !
skreed29
September 04, 2012
feeling good and fresh today (: yesterday i didnt look in the mirror AT ALL which is totally unrealistic most days but not looking at my face helped me not think about it and not get depressed (: there is hope for me... and you ! and im so excited to take advantage of it. but im also excited to be healthy and alive everyday, even before im totally healed (:
soembarrassed
September 05, 2012
I wany to be as optimistic as you! I went 18 days...then broke down and picked this evening. I am so disgusted with myself!! Grrrrr. I hate the uneven blotchiness. Now i have made it worse. After 18 days I was looking better...not great but better and now I am right back at day 1! I am going to try the not looking in the mirror again. The evil mirror gets me every damn time!
skreed29
September 06, 2012
positivity helps you heal and feel good (: thats what we all need, positivity ! and im glad to say i have more than enough to go around (: i have so much hope and good feelings and i want to share them with you all (: no matter where we are right now, it will get better
skreed29
September 06, 2012
and also, i just wanted to let you know that you are so sweet ! you are spreading lots of beautiful positivity all around this forum and i love to see it (: you are helping people .
Emmi
September 06, 2012
Thank you :) it means alot that my experience and achievement can help people. I'm really glad you are finding my optimistic out look helpful, I wish I had found this forum when I was at my worst, It was honestly such a hard struggle to do by yourself, Having support from people would defiantly make the journey a better experience, still hard, but support is always amazing, I'm so happy I can help people with achieving their goal :)
Sarah-108
September 06, 2012
I just wanted to let you know you have made my night. :) Reading your posts, and seeing all of the positivity you have, brightens up my day. It reminds me that I'm not alone in my struggles and that I have to stay strong. I forgot to mention, but when I went running with my friend today I made a confession about my skin disorder. It didn't seem to bother her, but I was just so happy to get it out in the open.
Emmi
September 06, 2012
Sarah, its great to hear you opened up to your friend, and like i mentioned in another post, those who love you, dont judge you :) I hope that opening up to her helps with your healing process, seeing her reaction, well, more "lack of'' reaction, is a sign that there are understanding people out there. Im very proud of you, you're one step closer to achieving your goal :) well done :)
skreed29
September 06, 2012
im so happy to hear that and i hope you remember that we are in this together (: we both have some hard times to come but we have this forum and the support of people just like us to pull us through ! i think it was so brave of you to post pictures.. i dont know if i could bring myself to do the same and without makeup !!! i admire you ! and i can totally relate to the feeling of getting it off your chest and out in the open. when i showed my boyfriend my un made up face when my picking was at its worst it was a HUGE relief. everyday before that i dreaded the day i would be forced to show him for some reason or another.. but i finally decided i wanted to just show him (i was crying because i was so scared, of course) and he held me and hugged me and didnt tell me to stop crying like he sometimes does because boys just dont understand that if you are crying its because you need to ! and he told me i was still the prettiest girl ever. that experience helped me so much, because that night i realized that he loved me ! even at my very worst, and i didnt have to be scared anymore.
skreed29
September 06, 2012
so im a little itchy today.. that just means its super healing time (: i know i am overcoming this..
Emmi
September 07, 2012
thats exactly what it means, I have a cream with slight numbing agents in it REALLY helpt with the itching, or GENTLY rubbing over the itch with the sleeve of a jumper. being carefull not to rub too hard so you dont take the top off the spot. :)
skreed29
September 07, 2012
so i got too close to the mirror today and did a little face inspecting, but no picking ! (: i hope tomorrow i dont have to put on makeup and can not look in the mirror again all day ! mirrors are not my friend. and then its always exciting the next day when you finally do look to see how much youve healed (: im healing (: im so excited.
skreed29
September 07, 2012
today i feel like a pretty girl. not like a monster because of my skin. im healed enough that i dont feel like anyone is going to stare or think im dirty or sick or addicted to drugs !
Sarah-108
September 08, 2012
That's great Sarah. :) I am happy to see you're doing so well. I'm still having a few struggles myself, but I'm noticing little improvements each day. I just can't wait to have clear skin. It's one of the best feelings in the world. Doesn't it feel good to walk around with no makeup and not have to worry?!
just.me
September 08, 2012
Earlier today I got close to the mirror and I picked a little, which I felt bad for, but I can't help it. Whenever I'm in the toilet and I'm washing my hands I'll just be like 'let me just check my face' and then I pick, I hate it! And I always say that I won't but I do, but today I didn't pick much thankfully. At the moment I have a big cystic bump on my chin, it's been there a few days and it's gotten really red. EVERY OTHER time this has happened apart from once I've picked really badly, often using needles and tweezers, causing my face to really bleed and I now have three pit mark scars to the left of my nose from this kind of picking that I don't think will ever go away without LED treatment or something. But basically this one on my chin I'm leaving alone, I'm proud to have left it alone this long but it's getting really difficult because it isn't that big (its a bit smaller than a pea) but it's VERY red and I can feel how hard it is and think of all the gunk in there and just want it out of there. That's where my picking started, wanting to get something off my skin or out of my skin, and thinking this was the best thing to do but it's not. I just hope this bump on my chin goes soon because I want to feel pretty again! Best of luck to you skreed, I'm happy for you! xx
skreed29
September 08, 2012
i really just need to heal this time. its all i can think about ! im 18 and i cant let picking rob me of my youth anymore.. i want to enjoy myself and stop being trapped and scared by my own mind ! so im healing (: i promise. i want to be stable emotionally, and i want to be the best version of me possible. i dont want to cancel plans or turn down invitations, or hide behind my boyfriend or feel like crying when i have to be in public ! i just want to finally live (: (: (: (:
Sarah-108
September 08, 2012
I couldn't have said it better myself. :) I'm not sure if you're aware, but I'm only 19 myself. If we can get over this while we're still youthful, we'll have many good years to come.

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