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skreed29 , 24 May 2012

my progress

my name is sarah, i live in southern indiana. im 18 years old and have been picking since i was about 10. i am mildly ocd, and have been literally since i can remember but didnt understand it when i was younger, looking back its very obvious though. i also have bdd(body dismorphic disorder) probably since about 7th grade, and i pick at my skin compulsively. right now i mostly pick at my face, even though at some points in the past i have picked at my back, chest, arms, legs, and pubic area. thankfully, these places are now healed for the most part and very nice looking. i have never felt close to my parents(who were divorced when i was 2, my brother was 5) or most of my family. i would say my closest relative is my older brother. he suffers with a lot of the same issues as me. i live with my boyfriend, who i have been with for a little more than 2 years, he tries to be supportive of my picking compulsion but i think its very hard to understand when you arent in the same boat. i consider myself to have a very beautiful body, and when my face isnt covered in spots and wounds and scars, its awfully cute too, but the picking is holding me back from feeling good about myself. i graduated highschool recently and am taking some time off (no work or school) to heal on the inside and on the outside. im going to post here everyday, maybe even more than once to just post my progress and thoughts about the day, or if i find something new and helpful. at the moment i am 3 days clean (: going on 4
328 Answers
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skreed29
August 20, 2012
right now i am feeling so lucky that i only have issues with picking my face. i dont have any bothersome scarring anywhere on my body besides my face. and my face scars arent that bad at all... once im healed i will be happy, no matter the scars. im just doing everything i can to not make more scars in the meantime (:
soembarrassed
August 23, 2012
I know i should have the same attitude. I am pretty much healed but this one scar is still red and really bothering me. I think if it wasnt so red it wouldnt look that bad. I feel like i have picked although i haven't.
skreed29
August 22, 2012
feeling okay today (: im do so well with the no picking (even though i was obviously going to because i promised and vowed). my next day that i am allowed to cheat on my perfect whole food vegan diet is september 4th, because its not only my moms birthday, but also me and nikos 2 year and 6 month anniversary ! when i eat bad i feel so guilty though.. i wish i could justify those times every once in a while that i give in and decide to indulge to the worrying part of me.
skreed29
August 22, 2012
i keep touching my face where i know i have a bump or scab.. just touching it, nothing more.. but it makes me want to pick which is bad. so im going to stop !
skreed29
August 23, 2012
having a hard time today ! getting too close to the mirror, looking at my face up close for TOOO long, touching bumps when i just need to keep my hands totally off my face unless its just a quick itch and im intentionally trying not to feel anything annoying. i just want to look healthy ! so so desperately ): i look a lot better than i have in the past, but not good enough.. and im scared i will never look good enough because of scarring
soembarrassed
August 23, 2012
Hang in there!!! I am right with you today. I have pretty much smashed my face up against the mirror everytime I have gone into the bathroom. I too keep running my hands over my face, checking for new bumps, checking the old bumps, checking this effin scar. So I dont know what it is about today but it has gotten both of us!! LOL! I think part of my problem today is that is is really sunny and nice out and makes me feel more insecure as the sun makes everything look sooooo much worse!!! You know I know we can do this, we are so much better than this. So starting today we are making a pact to be happy with ourselves. No matter what!!! Little bump who cares! Few scars who cares!!!! We are going to use mind of matter!!! WE ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!! WE ARE FREAKING FANTASTIC JUST AS WE ARE!!!!!!
skreed29
August 23, 2012
youre so right. we gotta get through this and we will ! (: i showered and did my makeup and now im feeling a little better. i know im on the right track, im not perfect today, but i will be soon (:
skreed29
August 24, 2012
i picked. this sucks so bad. normal people, when they have a bad day.. the next they can feel totally better. for us, when we have a bad day and wind up picking.. our whole WEEK is ruined ! its not fair. i know i have to look forward and move on. thats all i can do, but im so depressed and hopeless. its annoying to talk to my boyfriend when i have a relapse because he doesnt get it at all. he thinks im giving up or chosing to pick and usually he just winds up acting like he is mad at me.. i need support so bad ): i am so lonely. i have to put on makeup and go out tonight.. dont know how thats going to work at all but i have no choice...
soembarrassed
August 24, 2012
Isn't it the lonliness, hopelesness and plain feeling like crap what gets us? I hate it! I just hate myself so much afterwards :( I have been doing good been over a week since I picked anything but I still feel like I look like shit. I want to just hide out in my room. I have to make a real effort just to drag my butt to work. My last picking episode left a nasty scar that I just despise! I would rather have scabs all over my face then this dang thing. Just a constant reminder of what I have done. All I keep thinking is if I would have left my face alone then this thing would not be there. Bad enough it took 2 1/2 months to heal and now I have this. I know it looks worse to me, it is just a mark about the size of an eraser (huge I know) that is slitely indented and dry looking. Putting makeup on just makes it more noticeable. Without make up then it still looks red and yucky!!! I cant win :( No body gets what we go through. Seriously do they really think we like and enjoy doing this? Right! Like I like looking and feeling like crap. If we could stop dont they think we would? Nobody understands unless they are going through it themselves. I am sick of turning down invitations with friends and family as I dont feel I am meeting their standards of what I should look like. Hang in their skreed29 you are not alone in this - I am here for you as I fully understand what you are feeling and going through!!!
thebeautifulugly
August 24, 2012
Hey sarah :) unfortunately I don't have much time to type now, but I just wanted to say a quick 'thank you'. About a week & a few days ago I found this website and one of the first forum posts I came across was yours. I immediately was drawn in, our situation is very alike, you seem to have the same viewpoints as me, and I was feeding off of your positive energy. I think you are soo brave for telling your boyfriend about your picking. It took a ton of guts, I can't even imagine showing anyone my real face after I've done significant damage to it :( we'll anyway, I ended up reading through your ENTIRE journey since your 1st post, literally all the comments.. and it felt like I was experiencing your journey myself. I got sad whenever you relapsed, because i know how much I hurt when I do that myself. Reading your forum has definitely helped me through my ups and downs, its been about 11 days since I last fully picked, and it feels soo good! & I just recently read that you're struggling but I just want you to know that I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS :) ! Seriously girl, I know from reading your posts that you can get yourself back on track. I made myself so proud by making a 10 day goal & actually sticking to it! And now that the 10 days are over ill make another goal! You're gorgeous and don't let any recent picking get you down, just think "this is the worst it could be if I want it to" and then it will only get better from there !!
skreed29
August 24, 2012
thank you so much (: i started crying a little bit as i read this. in a good way though. im glad that i could help you in any way and you are so right that this is the worst it could be.. i could never pick again and be fine and feel pretty in 2 or 3 weeks. i did my makeup today and im feeling a little bit better. im at the stage where everything is flattened out, tomorrow when i wake up i will be all scabby though ): trying to just keep my mind off my face !! im happy and proud to know that you have made it 11 days without picking ! today would have been my 11th day, but i relapsed ): we should make a new goal together ! and it should be 2 weeks, okay ? it helps me a lot when i have someone on here to be on my team, cause ill try harder so that i wont let you down !
skreed29
August 25, 2012
its a new day ! so i get to make a new start. im so so so so so excited to heal and be pretty !
skreed29
August 25, 2012
today i decided to grind up some flax seeds and add them to my smoothie (: when i add a new healthy thing to my daily diet, it makes me feel optimistic (: im going to heal so soon.
skreed29
August 26, 2012
i picked a skin flake this morning that was ready to come off. like it would have fallen off the second i went to wash my face. it was just hanging there and even though it would have been cool if i didnt have the urge to pick it off or resisted picking it, i dont feel very guilty. but i did feel the need to admit it. and i hope it doesnt happen again because i really just want to keep my hands off my face. im healing, i feel it (: (: i could heal this time and never ever have to go through this again. i hope thats what happens. i get frustrated with my boyfriend a lot but i should really give him more credit, he wants to help me but just doesnt know how, and he loves me a lot. this morning i was sitting on the couch in the living room when he got up. he walked in the room and looked at me and said "oh..". i looked at him, confused and asked "what ?" and then he said "i didnt know they were letting angels on the earth today". it was really sweet and made me feel good because most of the time, when he compliments me its either really vague or generic or about my lady parts/juicy lips and how they appeal to him for sexual reasons. AND i wasnt even wearing makeup when he said that (: not wearing makeup all day to let myself do some healing (: im excited for the near future today
skreed29
August 28, 2012
in a very happy and optimistic mood today (: im healing every second and i cant wait to be healed enough and feel like i am really really pretty (: working out and eating well is soooooooooooooo worth it. and i have stuck to it for months even though its hard.. that means that i can definately stop picking ! i have a strong will. i think optimism and hopefullness are very important to the physical healing and well being of your body and im glad i have it (:
skreed29
August 29, 2012
so today was good and bad. i felt really anxious and ugly all day.. when i got home, there was this one whitehead on my chin which was just bugging the crap out of me. itching and hurting, so i pricked it with a pin to relieve the pressure and let the stuff out. i didnt pick though. my face is a mess today. probably partly to do with the fact that im pmsing right now though. my problem is mostly on my jaw and chin. i WILL heal as long as i dont pick, keep taking care of my body as well as i do now, and believe that i will heal. i keep having this ugly feeling in my gut like its only a matter of time before i relapse. it might be true but thats not what i need to focus on. i just need to focus on getting through this very moment without picking. compulsive picking is a really hard thing to deal with ): im so glad to be all clean and without makeup now. i was out all day and i just felt ugly and dirty. tomorrow i can stay in and not put makeup on (: i felt like there was more i wanted to vent about but i am sleepy so i think its bedtime. tomorrow i will be home alone so i will probably post a bunch. every time i want to pick ill just come on here and write about it until the feeling passes. i haaaaaaaave to heal and i have to stop picking.
skreed29
August 29, 2012
dang. i was looking through old pictures on my computer and my first 2 years of highschool, i was such a flawless, freckled little thing. atleast the parts of me that were visible when i was fully clothed, most notably my face.. i didnt have too many freckles, just cute sweet nose and cheek freckles on porcelain skin. i dont really have freckles on my face anymore because i use spf 15 face lotion and pile on the makeup for 3 years or so now. what a shame ): and my face will never be that perfect again because its scarred to hell. i exagerate about the scarring when im upset. its really not terrible, especially if you are looking at me straight on. my forehead, nose, and chin will be perfect again but my cheek scars are beyond healing completely. im depressed that im not perfect anymore.. but if i let myself heal i could still be really cute and happy and warm looking just like how i was back then.

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