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skreed29 , 24 May 2012

my progress

my name is sarah, i live in southern indiana. im 18 years old and have been picking since i was about 10. i am mildly ocd, and have been literally since i can remember but didnt understand it when i was younger, looking back its very obvious though. i also have bdd(body dismorphic disorder) probably since about 7th grade, and i pick at my skin compulsively. right now i mostly pick at my face, even though at some points in the past i have picked at my back, chest, arms, legs, and pubic area. thankfully, these places are now healed for the most part and very nice looking. i have never felt close to my parents(who were divorced when i was 2, my brother was 5) or most of my family. i would say my closest relative is my older brother. he suffers with a lot of the same issues as me. i live with my boyfriend, who i have been with for a little more than 2 years, he tries to be supportive of my picking compulsion but i think its very hard to understand when you arent in the same boat. i consider myself to have a very beautiful body, and when my face isnt covered in spots and wounds and scars, its awfully cute too, but the picking is holding me back from feeling good about myself. i graduated highschool recently and am taking some time off (no work or school) to heal on the inside and on the outside. im going to post here everyday, maybe even more than once to just post my progress and thoughts about the day, or if i find something new and helpful. at the moment i am 3 days clean (: going on 4
328 Answers
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LDC
August 01, 2012
Poor Sarah :( But try to stay positive. If your skin isn't completely healed by Friday, make-up will make up for it :) just remember, people see the whole of you - not just your face. I'm sure your body is in good shape since you work out so much, so you should feel happy about that. And people appreciate your compassion and kindness. We care a lot more about our skin than other people do. Forgive yourself for the little slip-ups you've made. You have your health and you will overcome this thing in time. We all will! We just have to keep at it and not give up. It doesn't feel fair that we have to live with this condition. But at least on this site there are people who can relate to our experiences. Your honey & lemon concoction would be so cleansing for your skin and body. You'll be in great health for a lot longer than most people!
skreed29
August 01, 2012
i think im finally seeing some healing happen (: it wont be healed all the way by friday but im on the right track (: if i can get through another week or so i have this feeling that everything will be so much easier and happier. im so excited !!!
skreed29
August 01, 2012
feelinng a little bit better today (: that doesnt mean i dont need to be careful.. but im happy to be not so depressed.
skreed29
August 02, 2012
i picked this morning at 5 ish spots and im mad and sad ): im glad that i didnt have a full on session, but i feel as guilty as if it were one. i washed and moisturized my face and im gonna try to go back to bed, wake up in a few hours and restart the day...
skreed29
August 02, 2012
feeling better ! i havent had a serious session in like 10 days, when i pick a few spots i stop myself ! i believe that takes strength and i am proud and im healing (: i had a revelation recently. i have always struggled with my body image and done crazy things to try to make myself look totally not like myself. the other day though, i decided i just want to be the best and healthiest version of me. i have been desperately trying to look like beyonce when i am just much more kate beckinsaley by nature. even though beyonce is the PERFECT woman, kate beckinsale is very very very beautiful in an elegant and different way, and so am i (: (:
skreed29
August 04, 2012
yesterday was a busy day, didnt even have to time to post ! so i certainly didnt have time to pick (: im seeing serious healing finally.. like i get excited to go to bed and then in the morning look and see how much better my face looks ! i am so excited and optimistic. in the past 8 years, i cant think of a time where i didnt have to worry or be insecure about some part of my body because of my picking, but im starting to finally feel free (: maybe for me, picking is going to wind up being something i grow out of... *knock on wood*. im being very optimistic about the future
skreed29
August 05, 2012
last night i picked at 4 more face spots and then 2 spots on my right thigh. i am mad about it but niko told me that if i didnt pick at all for 2 weeks i would probably be all healed and i think hes right. so im gonna try with all my might to keep my hands off for 2 weeks, starting today.. and see what i wind up with ! and, if i am successful, i get to buy new clothes (: shopping is better than a food reward because it doesnt make me feel crappy and guilty (: i hope someone joins me in my 2 week challenge !
skreed29
August 05, 2012
im in a good mood right now. my face doesnt look how i want it to but i know it can soon (: i have been working on doing things that help me accept myself as i am. i havent dyed my hair in almost a year, recently i stopped wearing fake eyelashes.. i just wear foundation, blush and a little mascara only on my top eyelashes now ! also i think i decided i want to stop using my jergens tan lotion. i am ghostly white and freckly by nature with super dark (nearly black) hair. maybe not so appealing to some people but i think its beautiful, and its me ! its so much better to try to be the best version of yourself rather than wasting time trying to be someone else. i think accepting myself as i am will help me in the journey to healing and recovering.
skreed29
August 06, 2012
got through today, thank goodness ! im feeling kind of depressed. really desperate to heal ):
skreed29
August 06, 2012
had a rough morning already. i picked off a bunch of annoying skin flake scabby things (that were mostly healed underneath, but some not so much and im still really mad about it. ). atleast i didnt squeeze or dig anything out of my face. that was my main goal. but then.. i wound up having to exfoliate to keep my sanity. feeling crappy and guilty. this is so hard..
soembarrassed
August 07, 2012
Me too. I tried stupidly to try to pick the skin off a scar left from a picking session 2 months ago. Now it is red and raw again. What do you do to get this type of sore to heal? How do you face anyone especially coworkers? I cant stand to have a scab or skin just hanging i have to pick it off thinking it will look bettet which of course it only makes it worse. Right now i am sporting a wonderful bandaid covering cortisone and neosporin. I have been doing this picking for 2 years. They used to heal within 2 days not it takes over 2 months and are only healed enough that i can cover them up. This is destroying my life. I hate going anywhere hide out in my room. Ugh i am so embarressed and ashamed.
skreed29
August 07, 2012
got through the rest of yesterday and today is so far so good. i need to reinforce the rules of no looking in the mirror before my morning workout and keeping my distance from the mirror so i dont inspect my face. im going to heal. im going to heal. im going to heal. i want to feel pretty and happy and cozy for fall because its my favorite season ! i want to enjoy it.
skreed29
August 08, 2012
staying strong ! yesterday i stopped putting honey in my spicy lemonade and now just drink it bitter. i also stopped with the dark chocolate (even though there is a really insignificant amount of sugar in 90% dark chocolate). so now the only sugary thing i eat is the fruit in my post workout smoothie, but its blended up with spinach which helps it to not spike my blood sugar ! my picking urges have been dramatically less. i dont know if it makes any kind of sense, but im gonna keep with it for a while and see if it holds true.
skreed29
August 08, 2012
i just picked at 2 spots on my face.. dissapointing. but not that dissapointing. my picking seems to be becoming much more consious and controlled. lately i feel guilty WHILE im doing it, rather than just afterwards. i think thats a good thing, and i think even with a few minor setbacks its not really messing with my overall healing and i am still on the right track !
skreed29
August 12, 2012
had a good day, picked at 3 spots.. then another good day and i hope today will be perfect too !
skreed29
August 14, 2012
yesterday i picked at six spots... this morning i picked at 1.. and this evening i had a total relapse. i picked for like 2 hours. this really sucks. i am so depressed.

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