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skreed29 , 24 May 2012

my progress

my name is sarah, i live in southern indiana. im 18 years old and have been picking since i was about 10. i am mildly ocd, and have been literally since i can remember but didnt understand it when i was younger, looking back its very obvious though. i also have bdd(body dismorphic disorder) probably since about 7th grade, and i pick at my skin compulsively. right now i mostly pick at my face, even though at some points in the past i have picked at my back, chest, arms, legs, and pubic area. thankfully, these places are now healed for the most part and very nice looking. i have never felt close to my parents(who were divorced when i was 2, my brother was 5) or most of my family. i would say my closest relative is my older brother. he suffers with a lot of the same issues as me. i live with my boyfriend, who i have been with for a little more than 2 years, he tries to be supportive of my picking compulsion but i think its very hard to understand when you arent in the same boat. i consider myself to have a very beautiful body, and when my face isnt covered in spots and wounds and scars, its awfully cute too, but the picking is holding me back from feeling good about myself. i graduated highschool recently and am taking some time off (no work or school) to heal on the inside and on the outside. im going to post here everyday, maybe even more than once to just post my progress and thoughts about the day, or if i find something new and helpful. at the moment i am 3 days clean (: going on 4
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Emmi
September 24, 2012
By the sounds of things Hun, Your making some amazing progress, and Im sure that when your boyfriend tells you these things, he honestly means it, no one puts in effort to make someone feel good unless they actually mean it. I think that what he is saying is true :) Its really good to hear how far you have already come :) keep going. Your doing GREAT!!!
skreed29
September 24, 2012
having some itchies, but healing ! im excited (: i havent been this far into healing in so long. tomorrow it will be a week since my spot mini relapse and 2 weeks from my last badd relapse. its my time to heal (: yay for me.
skreed29
September 24, 2012
so the next few days are going to be stressful ! we have been trying to sublet our apartment for a few weeks, so we can move in to nikos parents house for a while to save up to buy a house. well today we signed it over to a guy who wants in TOMORROW ! moving is so stressful and we have so much to do in so little time.. but im going to get through it ! no matter how strong the urge, theres no time to pick ! im also grateful in a way that everything is happening like this because i like to get things done fast, and have them done and be settled and cozy and move on with my life. also im about 95% sure i have a job i recently interviewed for but there is a good chance i will have an opportunity to work at a better place instead. so the money will be rollin in with no rent for a while (: i will have more opportunities to reward myself for no picking and more money to go on dates and do fun things where i will want my skin to look pretty (: so many good things will happen if i keep up the not picking. im going to
olivegreen
September 25, 2012
This is all great news! Being busy is a great deterrent...your mind (and hands) are too busy to pick! Good luck to you, and by the way, you're making a great decision by saving up money before buying a house! :) Hope it all keeps going your way!
skreed29
September 25, 2012
even though i struggle with picking.. when i step back and objectively evaluate myself and my life, im so glad im me ! sometimes i feel like im jealous of another girl, but if i am, im only jealous of part of her ! like maybe she has bigger boobs than me, and im in a 'wishing i had bigger boobs' mood. or smaller feet or something silly like that. a tiny little thing. i know though, that the whole package that is me is beautiful and i wouldnt want to be anyone else ! im cute and sexy and smart and unique and i have a boyfriend who i am convinced loves me absolutely unconditionally. hes seen me at my very worst, and dealt with everything i have thrown at him (literally and figuratively). he has helped me through my insecurities and through picking and everything else. and i could say he has also seen me at my best, because he has seen me at my best SO FAR ! but i wont condemn myself to that because i am so confident that the best is yet to come (: (: (:
skreed29
September 25, 2012
well i just relapsed. really bad. i basically tore my face to shreds.. so much blood that i could smell it. im sitting here crying my eyes out and i dont know what to do. i am so depressed. i was so close.
skreed29
September 25, 2012
i am beating the shit out of myself for this one. i feel like i just have to give up now....... my face is always going to be a trainwreck, even if i let everything finally heal. i picked today because we moved today, into my boyfriends parents house. were moving into his little brothers old room because he just went away to college. sometimes i get a long with his parents, but they are unhealthy obese depressing people who make everyone around them miserable when they are in a bad mood. my boyfriend works 3rd shift so he has to sleep in the day time.. and i cant move the heavy things on my own to set up our room... so im just sitting here basically.. waiting until tomorrow. i feel unwelcome and uncomfortable and just lonely. so i picked. probably for like an hour and a half or 2 hours.... what a freaking mess ive made. why cant i stop ? its killing me. i dont deserve this...........
Emmi
September 26, 2012
Sarah, Breathe Hunni! Breathe! You need to calm down. It is OK to relapse.. ok, your going through a stressful time, like you mentioned, you have just moved to a place you dont feel comfortable, with zero notice.. your whole life has been tipped upside down! it is understandable, Now that you've have your release, being that you picked everything and anything you could, its time to pick your self up, and get back on track with your progress. Things will settle down. and you can get back on track. I understand how hard it can be living with people you dont feel comfortable with and people who dont live the same life style as you, but think about the future, a few years of this dis comfort, to be able to afford your VERY OWN house.. For someone your age, this is a HUGE deal, its a positive thing, You can pull through this, Ok sweetie. Just get back on track. Try and keep positive about things, and when you feel like his parents are in a foul mood and its rubbing off on you, smile.. because if your smiling, you seriously cant feel sad.. I do it all the time. Haha. Your going to be ok. Always here if you need.
skreed29
September 27, 2012
thank you emmi, your posts always lift my spirits (: i read this last night and there was too much going on in my brain at the time to reply right away but your post really was the catalyst to restoring my sanity.
olivegreen
September 26, 2012
I can't agree with Emmi's post more! Listen to her advice--she is wise. What can you do to take your mind off of things? So you can't move the heavy things. Can you organize what you can move? Can you clean your new room? Can you go out and walk the neighborhood? How about just making a to-do list? Something to occupy your hyped-up mind. You need to find something that will help you relax! Ok more suggestions! Do you draw, paint, play an instrument, sing, or dance? (Even if you suck, it will help!) How about Yoga? You can get videos on YouTube for free or buy a cheap-o DVD at WalMart. How about meditative breathing? Deep slow breaths, and pick out a mantra to go along with it like, "I am (breathe in) strong (breathe out)." Love you, and take care, you can do it. Don't beat yourself up. Please, this will just make you feel worse in the long run.
skreed29
September 27, 2012
thanks (: im feeling a little better today but there is still this hopeless, crying little girl occupying most of my brain because it was such a huge setback and i cant believe i could do this to myself... i hope i can make myself busier this time around because i really believe that i will heal faster if im not constantly thinking about my terrible skin. last night i was hating myself so much, and needed a distraction so i started playing runescape ! hahaha. what a waste of time but it can keep you occupied for hours ! playing video games. i also started filing down my nails rather than clipping them which has helped me get to that zen place that i used to rely on picking for. i spend a lot more time doing it than if i were to just clip them off and its mindless and repetive, a lot like how picking is for me. thanks so much for your support, you are a big help and its good to know that i have you guys here to help me up when i fall.
skreed29
September 27, 2012
im feeling really lonely lately. which is the most dangerous feeling for me. i hate that me and niko are on such different schedules because i cant count on him to be there for me when i really really need him. also, hes always tired and people are generally a-holes when theyre tired.. i dont feel loved today.
Emmi
September 27, 2012
Welll you ARE LOVED! and your NEVER alone! Try and keep your head up lovey, Things will start to get better once your in a better routine with things, and you and your boyfriend will start to get into a routine and make time for eachother. Keeping your self occupied is always a really usefull tool, I recently started Pilates, theres a great website so you can do it from home. www.blogilates.com Best thing I ever did, plus, while your keeping your mind occupied your keeping fit and having fun!!! goo luck Hun, you'll get there. Everything will be ok :)
olivegreen
September 27, 2012
I may never have met any of you on this forum, but I'm starting to feel like I know you all. You aren't alone, Sarah, truly! I feel that one of the best things about this forum is feeling a sense of community. I used to feel alone and like I was hiding because of my picking. Now I feel liberated to find a group of people who share my "affliction" and who I can speak to freely. My point is, when you are feeling lonely, remember that you truly aren't alone. :)
Emmi
October 01, 2012
Sarah!! How are things going? You haven't posted for a few days, I hope this means positive things, apose to negitive, Hopefully your be back soon to tell me all about how good you've been doing. Remember, always here is you need to talk :) xx
skreed29
October 01, 2012
i have been busy lately ! sorry i havent posted, but no picking (: (: (: i got a job ! tomorrow is my first day and im feeling pretty confident. things are looking up (: hope you have been doing well too, thanks for always being there and still thinking of me when i have been gone for a few days (: what would i do without you ?!
Emmi
October 02, 2012
Congrats on the job hunni!! thats exciting!! Im so glad to hear things are looking up for you and that you HAVENT BEEN PICKING!! Yay!!!!! thats great to hear!! I was picking a little bit for the past few weeks but ive been dealing with alot of stresses in my life, I hav recently stopped tho and my face is looking ALOT better :) Keep up the amazing work. Glad you know were always here if you need :)
skreed29
October 03, 2012
so monday and today i had mini 1 pick relapses. just one spot each day... im not gonna beat myself up over that because its such an accomplishment to be able to stop after 1 ! i want to heal so bad, nothinggs gonna stop me this time. besides the two, 1 spot incindents i have been pick free for almost 9 days !

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